Polarimbi:

2010-09-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

FACE MASKS

So I joined Facebook. Uh huh. With very mixed emotions about the implications of consequences yet to be experienced.

I wonder if it is possible for a stranger reading through this blog to find me through Facebook, and ask to be my friend. I wonder what I would say.

For me, strangers are not frightening. I am not afraid to reveal myself, my secrets, my dreams to a total stranger. I do not have to wear a mask. I do not fear their judgment.

But family? Friends? Colleagues? The thought of them reading this blog is frankly, terrifying. The stuff of nightmares. I might as well waltz naked into the office.

It is a complete paradox to me, that a journal that might help my loved ones to understand me better, is something that I would rather share with strangers. It is a paradox, that wearing a mask is what I must do with those who are closest to me, to manage, at certain times, the turmoil that lies beneath.

____________________

2010-09-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

SOLDIER ON!

I had a great first half of this year, but a rough and tumble summer followed. I suffered a few fractures from an episode and a nasty, unnecessary, costly custody battle; but I am far from broken. On the contrary, I have come out of this stronger and wiser. My son, a real trooper, and I, closer than ever. I found this journal entry below, buried in my draft posts from last year, much resonates for me still:

Stress Fractures (written in 2009)

Stress can do all kinds of things. It can warp perspective. It can create cracks in a friendship. It can distract and disrupt. A stress fracture can be so crippling to the point that you ask: Do I give up or give in?

Everyone is saying to me: Polarimibi, don't give up. Hang in there, you
will get through all this. You will come up on dry land.

I don't think I will give up, giving up is not a choice. Yet the reality is that I am in a whirlpool of enormous stress, and stress triggers all kinds of changes in the chemistry of my brain. Stress, however, can also motivate, and create a laser like focus that carries a person over the finish line.

I see what is happening in my brain as a blessing and a curse. Some parts of my brain are working very well -- on the left, I am finding words to connect and describe the complex happenings in my life. On the right, other parts of my brain are paralyzed, uncertain, and murky.

My sister-in-law told me that in Кыргызстан, in her culture, it is well known and accepted that in times of great stress, one side of the body shuts down, and the other takes over, and carries the full weight.
________________________________

2010-03-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am back. I am alive. I am breathing.
I survived. I am crossing. I am loving.

I am me, myself, and I.

I am writing poetry! I am doing very well.
How and why? Another blog post. Another day.

Today is a beautiful day. Always a day for poetry.
That is how I keep flowing, in darkness and in light.
Poetry is an outlet for the profound and the mundane.
Fascinating forum for understanding and misunderstanding.
Read on face value, read between the lines, sex through subtext.

2009-04-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

YO, ANYONE OUT THERE?

Helloooooooo! Where is everyone? I went click clicking to visit some blogs and hardly anyone is home. One blog was removed entirely. Another experienced a divorce, but seems to be coping pretty well. Impressive. Another lost a son, hasn't posted in months, Understandable. Others just haven't written or posted in a very long time.

I am not sure what this means, if it means anything at all.

I am writing because I am utterly bored.

Current performance review / status: Operating and functioning somewhat, maintaining job surprisingly, laughing and smiling occasionally, spending frugally, sleeping fairly. divorcing in progress. Living, ranging from satisfactory to minimally satisfactory.

2009-03-05T16:10:00.000-08:00

FLOWING

"Just go with the flow," he said, "Stop trippin' on what everyone thinks."

But sometimes we do trip on the tripwires, and the flow of life gets jammed up, nothing flows in the brain,
and I am paralyzed by the uncertainty of what comes next and the fear of
what everyone thinks and wonders about me.

And then what happens when the financial flow is cut off? The feeling of being drained while being in a holding pattern of not receiving support because the soon-to-be-ex-husband is paying the full mortgage while praying (to a God he doesn't believe in) that someone will buy the house, and then not being able to pay rent because of not receiving support and having the parents pray (to a God they fervently believe in) that their daughter's house will sell so that I will have a place to live.

And then, a miracle. A breakthrough to get things flowing again -- an offer from a family of four willing to move into a 2bedroom 1 bath house, a disclosure of humiliating debt, a negotiation to stay afloat, an agreement to preserve stability.

Keeping things flowing while trying to achieve, staying afloat, and finding stability is the goal. Mental, economic, physical.

Next up... flexibility and force.

2009-03-02T06:48:00.000-08:00

UNIVERSAL TRAVELLER*

So what do you do when you are traveling with no brakes, surrounded by clouds with blurry vision, and are headed through a dark tunnel with a cliff at the end and the ocean on one side? Well, stopping is no option. Do you attempt to turn around or do you make a sharp turn to the left or right?

I tried to turnaround, but I was told that going back to the past was not an option. So I turned left and guess what, I didn't go over the edge and suddenly, the skies cleared and I could see the light, to the right, on the other side.

Sometimes the only way forward is to follow your instincts and trust that the people who love you will guide you through, whatever path you choose.

You will not believe the unbelievable stuff that I have been trying to navigate through - an unsettled divorce, crippling debt from my manic episode, my young son battling depression, and trying to sell a home in what is perhaps the worst economy our country has ever faced.

Then, there is my mind. Going from one extreme to the next, and trying to make sense of the poles of my life.

By the way, I thought I lost my glasses the other day, for real, and my son found them on the floor of the car. For real.

(*I've got many friends who can care for me...so far...so far..." Air, Talkie Walkie)

2009-01-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

1.6.09
Humpty Dumpty Fell in the Sea

I was swallowed up by the ocean and spit out, in pieces. However, someone rescued me and put me back together again. I am holding onto life and still breathing.

2008-08-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

Boots For Weathering Storms
08.30.08
Looking through the pictures that I took with my camera this summer, I find it both harrowing and amazing that I made It through the past few months -- barely, nearly, and still standing. I waded and weathered through yet another unexpected hurricane, one of tremendous emotional stresses and triggers. Thinking back to May, some form of episode was inevitable, though I tried everything I could with those around me, to prevent it.

The abandonment of my husband of 12 years, the discovery of his lies and affair, the temporary removal of custody of my son, the unspoken fear and panic of my parents and family, the betrayal and loss of a best friend, the physical suffering and consequences of another episode and the side effects of an unprecedented level of medications. This time around, however, I feel stronger and my rebound back to life and reality is, for some reason, smoother and less bleak than my recovery in 2005, after that other hurricane, Katrina.

I find myself wondering, why hurricanes appear and feature so powerfully and suddenly, in both a metaphoric and physical sense, in my life and bipolar struggles. Now there is Gustav on the horizon. I can only hope that, like me, the people who are awaiting its impact will be more prepared than that last hurricane. But we all know, that with both nature and our bodies, nothing is ever certain or predictable. We can only hope and put our best foot forward, with the resources we have and the knowledge we know.

For those of you who have been checking in, wondering what and how Polarimbi is doing, thank you. I survived, and continue to do so. I hope that the stories of my continuing journey to love, laugh, and live with myself are providing you with some insight and understanding that can help you and the ones you love. Namaste.

2008-07-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

July Something
Ever wish you had a camera to capture the completely strange and Whacky things you do and see? To capture it and to go back and analyze what happens right then and there? (Like, yo, was that PHD real me or the psycho/manic me?) Sometimes it would be good to get ANOTHER PERSON’S perspective. I bought a new camera and took pictures of some my lovely hypomanic creations and guess what, I can’t find my f’n camera! There’s one of me acting like a witch with all this garbage in the bin and me trying to rid the world of its stench and evil with my little garden hose. You can IMAGINE The things I put in the bin. Hilarious. I guess some things are not JUST meant to be EXPLAINED, captured, OR SHARED you know what I’m sayin’ boy/girl friends? ; )…

Peace out.
/erf

P.S.
“Can someone tell me what is UP with the Weather and our SUN these days?!?”

July 13th]
I’m with my dawg now. Right here. Funk soul is the way in. Check out Fat Boy Slim if you want the keys to the universe.

Next……..

Where the hell is my charger? SomeOne took it from my house. Seriously.

Not funny.

My funk soul’s charger is missing. PERIOD.

WE ARE GOING TO THE APPLE STORE. TOMORROW. GOGOGOGOGOOGOG.

CHECK IT OUT. UPDPDPPDPDPDPPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDP.

Funk soul brother.

Lift off. Go to KINGSTON and you will see the STARS. BRING YOUR MOM

July 13, 2008
Message from JSM: I LOVE THIS WOMAN. NOW WHAT? ANYWHO….
THAT’S WHAT. SO THERE. KEEP IT REAL aight. BOYYYYY.

XOXOXP.period.

2008-06-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

There’s been a lot going on. I feel I have been fighting multiple battles on many different LEVELS and FRONTS. But baby, I’m FRONTIN. I’m PFREAL, just like PHarrelll of the Neptunes. What a great song to groove to when you are feeling down.

I have managed to get through the RAPIDS, and am just CHILLIN’ with a wonderful new FRIEND. My priority is to PHeel GOod and PHreeeeee!. ; )

xoxoxo
ERF

2008-06-14T01:28:00.000-07:00

(Picture to be posted)

Friday the 13th
6.13.08

What a freakin' freaky friday yesterday. I discovered and learned/realized and confirmed that I have a 2nd nature -- that for every good thing I've done, I've done (and can do) something evil.

East and West. Really, they should unite.

Seriously. I lost my faith and now here it is staring at me in the face. I lost family friends, and discovered new and old ones.

If You believe, don't wait, because It's time to come together.
Don't forget. It's Father's Day tomorrow.
Don't get it wrong. Don't hesitate. Don't wait. Just get along.
Unite. (If Hilary and Obama can do it, so can you!).
If You get along, You can/will sit upon the throne.
Na na na na na na nana nana nana.

Now!, Namaste......it's time for those.downward dogs to go down!

2008-06-06T11:42:00.000-07:00

Here's Where the Story Ends
6.6.08

Dear Friends.
At the end of the rapids was a waterfall, and then another, and then another. just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, m'am/sir, SS was/is a genius. You can find a lot of historical treasures in his films.

I am just paddling now and going down various channels and going with the flow, like Enya's orinoco flow. The tributaries are intersecting, and it's a bit complicated, but I just follow my heart.

I have discovered the answers to a lot of the oh-my-my mama mia mysteries.

The story of ERF/Polarimbi is only just beginning..... so stay tuned! ;)

xoxoxoxoxo

2008-03-03T14:20:00.000-08:00

A Rough Ride
3.3.08

I am fighting the rapids, tightening the life vest. Not sure what is at the end of this twisted river.

2008-03-03T13:56:00.001-08:00

Upside Down You're Turning Me
3.3.08

I am having trouble reading my signs. One moment I think I am okay, and then suddenly, I feel very off. Then I feel fine, and then I don't. One day, I feel in control, and then the next, I want to drive straight into a brick wall. I look around my home, I see order and feel like I am maintaining my responsibilities, but then I want to throw dishes everywhere and crawl under the bed. I want my husband to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but then I can't breathe with him watching my every move. I feel like I am riding the rapids and hate that I have to readjust my lifevest at every twist and turn

2008-01-17T21:20:00.000-08:00

Let Down
1.17.08

Sorry to have not been in touch for months (again). Inconsistency is part of this disease. I made a mistake back in October, dodged a bullet, but still got caught and wounded. It was a good thing, inevitable really, but horrible and devastating and humiliating and painful. I got through the past few months, but clearly can't resist the temptation to hit the self-destruct button. Apparently, to add further insult to injury, I have a compulsion disorder in addition to being bipolar. I am starting a new medication today, an anti-convulsant that sounds ironically like to-the-max. Meanwhile, I am avoiding all potential places where I can get into trouble and funneling my energy into taking care of my home, my garden, and most of all, my lovely son and husband, who continue to surprise me with their love, patience, and resilience.

I am exhausted, but I am doing the best I can to not let down the ones I love. At the end of the day that is all we can do.

You know, you know where you are with
You know where you are with
Floor collapsing
Floating, bouncing back
And one day....
I am going to grow wings
A chemical reaction
Hysterical and useless
Hysterical and...

(Let Down by Radiohead)

2007-10-14T21:52:00.001-07:00

This Mess I'm In
10.16.07

I made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in drawers
I want to start over, I want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

I wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I’m very, very frightening
I’ll overdo it

Looking for somewhere to stand and stay
I leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

(Slow Show, The National)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zz5pskaTNJU

2007-10-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

Another Brick In The Wall
10.4.07

"It's almost very difficult to explain when you are the person that suffers from the thing, but the best way I can describe it is it's almost like before you get ill, you are a solid wall," Sinéad says. "And while you're ill, it's like the bricks are falling away and it's one teetering little brick."

Sinéad O'Connor (on her struggle with bipolar disorder)
The Oprah Winfrey Show (October 4, 2007)
http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200710/tows_past_20071004.jhtml?promocode=HP11

I think Oprah redeems herself (from last week's less-than-stellar show on bipolar disorder) by interviewing such a thoughtful and talented, artist and mother.

Hopefully, millions of previously uneducated people are now a bit more enlightened.

2007-10-01T13:46:00.001-07:00

TAKE IT EASY ON ME
October 1, 2007

Hola amigos! I have had a morning of gallivanting, procrastinating, lunching, and fashion trend watching, around campus and online. Productive? Not really. I have no idea if this means anything more than just being a normal human, not wanting to do work, or being bipolar, and having trouble concentrating. I have decided not to care either way, well, for today at least.

September and the fall is eff'n cRaZy for me, historically, and I said before, for most people, generally. So I am learning to take it easy on myself during this change in season. Two years ago, I was on my 2nd week in the intensive psych ward, painting wooden treasure boxes, talking to a woman who thought she was Lady Diana and another who believed she was Hitler's mistress. They seemed perfectly normal to me at the time, kindred spirits, who could talk in my coded language.

Now, it's all good, as they say. (Though I do wonder whatever happened to my friends in the psych ward). These days I take my son to the skatepark after school, we buy Jamba Juices, I sit on the grass, and I yell every now and then at my son to put his helmet back on. We stop by Safeway or Whole Foods if we want to splurge and pick up dinner.

What's changed since I left the psych ward with a DSM code of bipolar disorder I? Acceptance. Awareness. I think the same can be said of my husband, so traumatized by putting me on a 72-hour hold and having me scream obscenties at him. We hardly get into arguments these days and the look of fear and sadness no longer fills his eyes. We laugh more. If I feel myself getting really worked up and misunderstood, I say, "Let's not deal with this right now." With my life, I go around with this mental toolkit full of self-talk and meds. I try to detect and disarm emotional landmines, to take the pressure out of situations that can be triggers, and to slow myself before getting physically exhausted.

Am I fortunate that my meds are working and that I have had a good childhood and supportive family? Most definitely. Does it make it easier? Perhaps. Is it still hard? Gosh, yes. Am I managing? So far.

2007-09-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
September 11th, 2007

I feel like I am coming back to a place that I ran away from, believing that I had finally conquered my demons, only to trip and fall down again. Once again I am searching for a long lost friend, clutching to an old address, driving back onto a familiar street, and looking for the house with a light on.

I am sorry that I have been away for a while, no communication, no word. I have no explanation. But I'm here now, asking for your patience, your understanding. I am in pain, teetering on the edge, treading water, grasping for anyone's willing hand.

I am told that this is the month when all the psych wards are filled. I am reminded that this is the time of year when we are vulnerable -- the changes in season, routines, tides, the tilting of the earth, the shifting of expectations. Two years ago this month, my madness manifested. Six years ago, the terror exploded. Worlds changed.

Fortunately, I am aware of what is happening and I am neither denying nor fighting it. I am living with it. I am rolling with it. I am even laughing at it. I am surrounding myself with people who love me and understand it.

I am the light that never goes out.

2007-07-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

ESCAPE AND BACK
7.10.07

Hey all, I'm okay. I had to go away again in search of some grounding and solace. Out there in the hot and dusty desert, I didn't find out any more about myself than I already know. I feel kind of like what Superman went through; he wanted to be rid of his powers only to learn that being normal can hurt even more. So, I'm back, happy to be who I am and to have what I have. I am home. Thanks for the messages of concern, friends.

2007-06-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

YoYOYoYOyO
6.7.07

The past couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me, well, relatively speaking. I know we are all struggling in some way. Yeah, yeah, we will have good/up days and bad/down days for the rest of our lives. But that has very different implications for those of us who are bipolar. Fast and slow, up and down. I've been on a seesaw for days upon end. A yo-yo effect on the mood.

The end of the school year - around which my work and son's life revolves - has been very tricky to manage and I am feeling somewhat frayed. Work has been full of writing deadlines. My son's school has been scheduled by someone who is either currently manic or has no sensitivity to people who are - bbq's, picnics, beach days, field day - bring a main dish, a side dish, an empty dish - you name it, it's happening.

Shifting from each of these tasks to another feels like going from first to fourth gear and then back again. Fast and slow. Speed up to pass and then brake again. I feel like I have to stay in that fast lane to keep up with life, but that my heels are dragging on the road. I'm not sure what is up with these car metaphors, but they seem to fit.

I guess I am just treading water, folks. Head above, breathing, floating, fighting. Like a battleship (p.s. did anyone like that song?).

2007-05-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

BATTLESHIPS
5.31.07
(For my brother, Felicito - the lad, the sailor, the musician, the journalist - who is going out to sea. Come home safely)

When will you carry me home? Like the wounded star in the movie
When will you carry me home? Take it back to the start when you knew me
Cause' when you talk to me that way, I'll be a million miles away
I guess it's just another day... in love

We're battleships, driftin' in an alley river
Takin' hits, sinking it's now or never
Overboard, drownin' in a sea of love and hate but it's too late
Battleship down

When will you figure it out? That you're not always right little darlin'
When will you figure it out? That it's not worth the fight little darlin'
Cause' when you can't think what to say, you go and throw it all away
I guess it's just another day ... in love

We're battleships, driftin' in an alley river
Takin' hits, sinking it's now or never
Overboard, drownin' in a sea of love and hate but it's too late
Battleship down

But you're too smart and I'm too dumb
With no heart in the middle...

Oh...

We're battleships, driftin' in an alley river
Takin' hits, sinking it's now or never
Overboard, falling into the ocean
Ship to shore, drownin' in a sea of love and hate but it's too late
Battleship down.

Pylons by J.Presant (2007)
Lyrics to Battleships by Travis from The Boy With No Name (2007)

2007-05-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

BACK HOME
5.29.07

Hello, dear friends, I'm back. I needed to take a bit of a break from my tedius routines which had me in a rather vicious cycle of getting stuck and prickly and fuzzy and spiky. Before my diagnosis, I didn't know what any of that was about, or how to deal with it. Now I know it means that I need a service check for the distance I've traveled. I needed to refill my windshield fluid, I needed to check the tire pressure. Change the oil, align my wheels, that kind of thing. So I took some time to clear my head and get some perspective. I spent time by myself with myself, wandering around in costume interacting with other mortals, catching up with friends and revealing secrets to strangers. It was quite funny -- haha and peculiar -- to see the various reactions, open mouths, poker faces, wide eyes. You? Really?! You seem so... NoRmAl?

If only you knew the places I've been...

2007-05-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

PRICKLY
5.15.07

Today I feel prickly. Exhausted. Grumpy. Moody. Irritated.

I am, quite frankly, very tired of the tedious routines and responsibilites that make up my life. I am tired of thinking about what to cook for dinner and going to birthday parties having meaningless conversations and the science fair and the stupid luau party fundraiser. I am tired of being strong and positive and smiling and saying good morning and staying focused and talking about schools and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

BLAH.

I want to wear a shirt that says "F off. I'm in one of those moods (again)." I want to leave post-its on the Hummers parked on campus that say, "What a wasteful, environmentally toxic piece of fat crap you are."

I want to visit blogs that are happy and oblivous and la-la that say here's-what-I-did-with-so-and-so-at-such-and-such and post an anyonymous comment that says: "Who gives a flying squirrel's ass what you do. Get a REAL life and stop taking up space."

I don't want an explanation for my "mood." I don't care if this is because I am bipolar. I don't care if it's PMS. I really really really don't care. WhatEVER.

I am taking my mouthful of pills that does god knows what in my brain and am going to sleep.

2007-05-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

MY KARMA, THE CHAMELEON
5.7.07

Meet Chamaeleo pardalis, a chameleon species found in the forests of Madagascar. Chameleons can produce a wide range of colors and patterns on their skin, but they do this primarily to express mood, not to blend in with different environments (from: http://www.howstuffworks.com/animal-camouflage2.htm)

My son is doing his kindergarten science project on animal camouflage and so we started looking for pictures of camouflaged animals, and low and behold: the chameleon. And I learned something new. I had always assumed that these magical creatures changed colors to disguise and protect themselves from predators. I had no idea that a chamelon's emotions triggered the change. How cool is that?

Maybe chameleons have bipolar disorder. I would like to express my mood with color, please.

I think the world would be a rather interesting (dare i say better) place if, like chameleons, we humans changed colors in response to our true mood. Perhaps we would be more understanding of one another. Perhaps we would be more connected by our common emotions, rather than divided by our feelings. Perhaps we wouldn't need those masks. We could just show our true colors, and not have to think about whether it was okay or normal. And perhaps, it would be easier to support each other. Perhaps loving and acceptance would be easier.

Maybe, if we were like chameleons, I could understand what was behind my husband's quiet mood. He couldn't get away with saying, "Nothing." If I could just see his mood, I wouldn't have to say, "I don't believe you." I could just say, "Your'e looking a little blue."

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon
You come and go, you come and go
Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

2007-05-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

PEANUT BUTTER MOOD
5.2.07

I have been sitting here for the last hour trying to figure out how best to describe my mood. I've decided that it's kind of like peanut butter. Now, I rather like peanut butter, and it would be nice to be feeling creamy or crunchy like Skippy or Peter Pan or Jiffy (or whatever it's called), but the mood I'm in is nothing like the images these brands evoke. I feel heavy and trapped and stuck and it is difficult to think clearly. Today is the kind of day when my brain won't get going, when my body is slow moving, my energy low and my perspective on the smearing side. I want to tell people to stop smiling, to STFU, and to put a post-it on my door that says: Out of Order.

I'm not sure what to do except, well, just accept that I'm stuck in this peanut butter. Part of me knows that I will manage to get through, but as I sit here in my office, staring at the screen, watching the time pass and the students cycle by, the other part of me wonders how I'll manage the next 12 hours. And how long this mood will last. It could be worse, I suppose. I'm not contemplating jumping off the building's roof, or sending out an email to the whole department about how to change the world.

When I dropped off my son, O, at school today, it was raining and the sky was grey. He looked up at me with his big, 5-year old, brown eyes and said, "Mommy. I just really don't want to be here today. I don't do very well when it rains." I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "Yeah, me too." I gave him a big squeeze and reassured him that I would be back soon, but my god, did I want to scoop him up and just run. I wanted us to get away from our peanut butter routines and realities.

Sometimes when I feel like this, I think of the Little Engine That Could, and I push on. Since my diagnosis, I have learned to cope by lowering my expectations whenever days like this come along. Sometimes I try to figure out the trigger; other times, I just say, whatever. I tell myself that it's okay not to answer every email, to do 2 things instead of 3, or maybe just one, or maybe none. I tell myself, it's okay. I will always have days like this, and they shall pass. And then, I tell myself, everyone feels this way every now and then. Everyone must have days when they feel like peanut butter: It's both normal and it's bipolar.

I think I will go home early and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch today, just like my son is having. If you can't beat it, eat it.

2007-05-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

MY FRIEND, JEN, AT A CLOSE DISTANCE*
5.1.07

I'm continuing my series of featuring those in my life who have been, and continue to be, tremendously supportive in helping me to recover and find myself again.

I am absolutely blown away by the work of my dear and beautiful friend, Jen. She's a New York artist and as you can see from her paintings above, incredibly talented. Like scary brilliant in how she depicts and interprets the world talented, and I'm not just saying that because she's one of my closest friends. Seriously, I could stare at her paintings forever.

Jen and I went to college together, I was her RA, actually, and we became good friends. Then we both ended up in New York together, and we grew even closer. Jen has been there through all my trials and tribulations, the pursuit and celebration of all my degrees, my up and down moods, my wedding, the birth of my son, and the postpartum depression that followed. At my sister's wedding in Venice, while pregnant with my son, I ended up in a 15th century hospital with some strange chest infection that was never diagnosed. I left a hysterical, laughing, crying message with Jen. Then my cell phone died in the middle of my message. She called every hospital in Venice until she found me.

When she had her first solo show in L.A. (also amazing), I went to her opening. It had been only a few months since I had been released from the hospital for my psychotic episode, and so everyone was nervous, including me. I wondered whether Jen would see me differently, her mentally ill, bipolar friend. Nope. We just talked the way we always did. She listened, I listened. She talked to me about her work, the men in her life. I told her how tough marriage and mothering was, and how we had five therapists. We laughed. A lot. We shopped. A lot.

Whenever I'm with Jen, I feel like a single girl again.

Thank you, Jen, for your unconditional love and friendship. I just know you will be famous one day, and I will be so proud to know you.

*Artist’s Statement
Presant draws us into dreamlike interiors which are highly evocative, richly painted and dramatically illuminated. The scale, staging of the figures and multiple layers of reality simulate the cinematic experience. Each interior space becomes a physical manifestation of the character’s psyche. Conscious and unconscious desire, memory and projection unfold pictorially. Through the merging of both real and fictitious elements, the artist also investigates the conflation between our media filled lives, and our lived reality. By depicting the subject through the female perspective, Presant represents the female nude as a figure of empowerment, not the object of the male gaze.

The artist mimics the process of reconstructing memory in the development of the composition for the painting. Objects and figures, part real, part imaginary are combined to feel fragmented and pieced together. Once a composition is finalized, at times, using digital technology, Presant meticulously paints the image in oil, adding a new level of coherence and reinterpretation achieved through the hand-made process. The treatment of light unifies the painted surface and plays an important role in the psychological content of the artist’s work. Light and shadow both reveal and conceal. The human form of both subject and viewer defines how each perceives and experiences reality.

Jen is featured in this month's issue of American Art Collector.
Her work can be found on: http://www.lindawarrengallery.com/artists/presant/index.shtml

2007-04-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

SISTER
4.25.07
I talked to my younger sister the other day. She always makes me laugh. She is the one who sent me those funky fuschia Morrocan slippers (as pictured in my post below) when I was in the hospital watching spaceships land outside my window and tossing pills out to the aliens.

When my sister and I were single, we used to talk 3-4 times a day. Then we got married and we talked a couple of times a week. Then we had children and now we're lucky to talk once a month. She has two beautiful kids; I have one. That's life.

There's a lot I can say about my sister. A few things for sure: She is a survivor, she carries the invisible scars of a horrible childhood tragedy and crime. She is perceptive, thoughtful, generous, and kind. She makes friends wherever she goes. She's not bipolar like me, although she struggled with depression during her last pregnancy. I was so worried that she would get post-partum depression the way I did. Fortunately, she weathered through it. I kept telling her that she shouldn't be afraid to go on medications; she said okay, but she never did. She's like that. She gave birth to her children with no epidural, no pain relief, nothing. She just takes the pain.

Growing up, I thought she was an irritant, something that got in my way. Then one day when I was about 13, my father took me aside and told me that my sister just wanted to be with me, to learn from me, to be like me. It was like this catharsis: I wept, I felt so bad, I had no idea. After that, she became my best friend. I took her everywhere. She came with me on my first college visit. We drove across Missouri listening to Depeche Mode, the Book of Love, and 10,000 Maniacs. The music was so loud we had no clue the muffler had fallen off. I was probably hypomanic, but it was still exciting, innocent, and fun.

My sister is also the person who called me at 4:30 am on September 22, 2005 to ask why I was sending emails warning people about an earthquake. She detected something was terribly wrong, she called my husband to check on me at work where I was wandering around in a daze. She is the one who drew me heart pictures to remind me how much I was loved when I wanted to die.

Thank you, Sister, for bringing so much love and laughter into my life.

2007-04-20T18:13:00.000-07:00

PREDICTING THE FUTURE
4/23/07
"The best way to predict the future is to create it."

I do yoga every Monday and my teacher ended today's class with this quote. It really made me think.

I can't predict my moods or know what will happen with this mercurial illness of mine, however, I can be better prepared for whatever does happen by taking care of my health and relationships. The decisions I make in the present can shape what happens in the future. For me, the best way to predict my future is to create the conditions in which I want to to live: I can be more aware, more honest with myself, more loving, more accepting. I can take better care of myself and the people I love, right now. Namaste.

A GOOD START
4/20/07
I am utterly in love with this new song. I think it is so beautiful and rocking and the lyrics resonate with me. I heard it on Grey's Anatomy last night, dowloaded it, burned it, and drove through the hills with it cranked way up, the windows down and the hair blowing. There has been so much death, loss, and pain in the world this week. So I feel lucky to be alive and fortunate to be keeping life in perspective. That's a good start.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=16859822

A Good Start by Maria Taylor
You're one with the burdon of intuition.
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare.
You're one with the best friend you lost,
You wish was still there.

You're one with the dust on that old piano.
You're one with the strings on your new guitar.
You're one with the wind through the open window,
You are.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

You're one with the echos of conversation.
You're one with the strangers you overheard.
You're one with the lesson that was the best one you learned.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't separate
Yourself from where you stood.
And it's the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
That makes you feel so good.
Feel so good.

2007-04-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

LIFE IS A CAROUSEL
4/12/07

I read a SharePost on Bipolar Connect, “Uncovering My Frame of Mind” posted by GJ Gregory. It was very helpful, and I highly recommend any of his other posts.

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/8377/current-frame-mind/

GJ Gregory, whose name is Jon, is one of the resident experts on Bipolar Connect, an online support community and REAL LIFE person who is Living With Bipolar Disorder and the first to post a comment on this blog. For months, I had been blogging away and felt like I had been yelling into outerspace, “Hello! Hello! Anyone out there? Am I alone?” (Well, no surprise there, no one knew about the blog) And then I came across Bipolar Connect, found the courage to post a comment to the community, and then from out of nowhere, an email from Jon. What a comforting feeling to realize that I was not alone.

I admire Jon's wisdom, courage and insight. I can relate to the experiences he has shared, and right now, his struggle to define and gain some control of what is happening with his moods. Jon is going through a tough time with a mixed episode (though he's not sure what it is, some kind of downturn, again something I can relate to). I have not lived with this as long as Jon, but I am learning that when I don't know what the f is going is, sometimes wracking my brain to try figure it out turns into a vicious cycle, leaving me even more helpless and confused. How do you make sense of a senseless disease? I can read all the research to understand, but emotionally, it is another thing. I can make sense of the disease to some degree, but there is just so much that cannot be explained.

My written journals before my diagnosis are filled with entries about the confusion I felt over my surges of energy and creativity, followed by periods of defeatism and depression. I was up, I was down. I felt like I was going around and around chasing my tail. Now I am learning to just say, okay, here we go again, my chemicals are out of whack and I'm bloody all over the place. If I can't label, I call my doctor and say exactly that, I don't know what I'm feeling. I just feel a bit off, not myself. Then I lay low, avoid places that make me manic, be gentle with myself, and let my loved ones know.

For me, acceptance is helping to cushion the blow of being bipolar. Acceptance of the known as well as the unknown. It's sort of like fighting - just try to relax and perhaps the blows won't hurt so much. Not that it sucks and you feel like imploding and exploding at the same time, but instead of screaming and throwing things, now I just try to breathe and cut back. I say no. I get take out. I call in sick. It’s okay if I go a bit dumb and numb for awhile, it will pass.

But I think that for those of us who treasure our creativity and rely on our minds to navigate our work and lives, when the compass goes a bit berserk and we can't figure out what end is up, what direction to go, we are really lost. We struggle frantically to regain perspective. But sometimes, we just have to wait until the sun comes again.

Something my therapist does that helps me keep perspective is reminding me that much of what I feel about life is NORMAL. The most chemically balanced people experience avoidance, a block in creativity, job uncertainty/stress and insomnia, my therapist tells me. Everything you experience in life is not always about being bipolar, it’s about living life.

2007-04-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

GUESS WHAT
4/10/07

Today, I told some colleagues who were talking about depression that I was bipolar.

Later, one of them thanked me for sharing and said that I would be a helpful resource.

This is all I have to say today.

2007-04-09T16:30:00.000-07:00

5 THINGS ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, OR FAMILY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN
4/3/2007

@ Bipolar disorder, once known as manic-depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis referring to a mental health condition defined by periods of extreme, often inappropriate, and sometimes unpredictable mood states.

@ Bipolar individuals generally experience mania, hypomania or mixed states alternating with clinical depression and euthymic or normal range of mood over varied periods of time. There are many variations of this disorder.

@ As well as being linked to disability, studies have suggested a correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder, although it is unclear what the relationship is between the two. Studies have also indicated increased striving for, and sometimes obtaining, goals and achievements more generally; in other words, many with bipolar disorder tend to be more driven, extremely goal oriented, and hard working.

@ Although many people with bipolar disorder who attempt suicide never actually complete it, the annual average suicide rate in males and females with diagnosed bipolar disorder (0.4%) is 10 to more than 20 times that in the general population.

@ The divorce rate for couples where at least one spouse is bipolar is 90%. For comparison purposes, the general divorce rate is commonly held to be about half as much (around 50%), implying that this illness causes substantial additional burdens on married life. (Yes, I cited this already in a previous post, it's just so astonishing that it bears repeating)

(This and more can be learned from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder)

P.S.
I also recommend going to Bipolar Connect for some incredible advice from experts living with bipolar disorder. This is an online community for anyone diagnosed with and/or affected by bipolar disorder. There are also blogs that I will be recommending as soon as I figure out how to update the damn links on the sidebar -- totally frustrating, I feel so inept, but whatever, I'm doing what I can. Anyway, there really are some wonderful and amazing blogs that I have come across about being bipolar that remind me that I am not alone in my feelings and struggles.

2007-04-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

EVERYDAY iS LIKE SUNDAY
2.2.08

It has been raining off and on for the past three weeks now, and one by one, it seem that people one by one, are either checking into Cloud Cuckooland Resort & Spa, or checking out completely. Fortunately, I did not get too dangerously close to wanting to check out completely -- a call to my doctors about my odd behavior, compulsions, inability to focus, irratibility was all I needed to get me through this tunnel-- helped me make adjustments to my medications. It's been about a week and I am feeling better, but am drinking (water) ike a horse.

I apprehensively agreed to volunteer in my son's school auction benefit and be on the organizing committee, which of course, a lot more work that one ever knows. I am anjoying it, actually, especially ther interaction with other moms. But I find that for every idea someone has, I have 10; and if they are moving at 10 mph, I'm racing ahead at 60 mph. It's not a competitive think, honest, it's kust wanting to see all these ideas in action. So I'm trying to slow dow and scale back. We''l see. All new for me.

2007-04-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
4/7/07

I didn't sleep well last night, I was tossing and turning thinking about Dream Writer's comments about marriage on my post yesterday. They left me unsettled. I don't know, I'm not so sure that marriage is so black and white, and that we can so plainly distinguish what is right and wrong when illness, crime, abuse comes into the picture. Must such vows mean a life sentence, regardless of the circumstances? Bipolar turns everything upside down and inside out. Bipolar disorder can make the most devoted do and say awful things to each other, intentional or not. Is it a matter of forgive and forget? Does a man or woman who is being abused have to cling to those words: for better or worse?

Like I said, my heart really went out to the spouses who felt abused, abandoned, bankrupted, and did not know what to expect from one day to the next. I nearly did all of this to my husband, and he hung in there, but I just feel that no one should not have to endure such pain and uncertainty. It is seemed from many of the posts that I read, that many were hanging on as best they could, with hope and perhaps, even their vows in mind.

Of course, those of us who are bipolar do not want to abandon or be abandoned and lose the ones we love - we need support, we need our families, we need understanding -- but don't we also have to take responsibility for our lives and health? If we don't, then are we not upholding our part of the vows?

I am blessed to have parents, siblings, and a husband who have all been willing to understand and find ways to support me. I have been compliant with my meds, fortunate that they are working, and lucky to have a job where my management is aware and flexible. All those factors make it easier and possible to uphold our responsibilities and vows. But not everyone is so fortunate, and lucky, and that as someone who is bipolar, I would not be so judgmental about the choices people may feel they have to make.

2007-04-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

UNDERSTAND ME, PLEASE.
4/6/07

I have been reading on BipolarConnect (www.healthcentral.com/bipolar) the distressed and anguished posts of spouses and partners trying to fnd the courage and strength to support a loved one with bipolar disorder. It is always helpful and insightful to hear the other side. I found it so hard to comment, I just didn't know what to say, there is no easy advice or way to express how hard it is to manage a relationship, for both sides. There is so much pain, blame, frustration, resent, regret, and fear.

Here is a rather sobering statistic: The divorce rate for couples where at least one spouse is bipolar is 90%. For comparison purposes, the general divorce rate is commonly held to be about half as much (around 50%), implying that this illness causes substantial additional burdens on married life. (I got this from Wikipedia, if you want more info).

I have been married for 11 years now and at times, thought that he was a terrible mistake. And at my worst times, feeling so hurt and misunderstood, I wanted to leave him forever. Now that I have been diagnosed, I know what a loss that would have been for me. It has been a tough and bumpy road for our relationship, but the counseling and the diagnosis has provided a lot of explanations and is helping us to heal, to become stronger and more aware of what is happening when it happens. We can actually joke about my mood swings. I can smile and say, "Hello darling, I'm feeling like I want to die, but I'm calling my doctor to let him know what's happening. So I need some extra attention and patience. I need you to check in."

It takes reservoirs of understanding, patience, devotion, trust, skill, strength, and communication to navigate this incredibly difficult and mercurial illness. Marriage is hard as it is, but add bipolar to the equation, and clearly, as the statistics indicate, the relationship is likely to fail.

Whenever I look at my husband sleeping, looking so peaceful, I remind myself how much he has gone through and remember all the tears that he has shed. And instead of focusing on how much he doesn't understand or what he hasn't done, I try to appreciate that he is breathing next to me and that I have someone who still loves me just the way I am.

2007-04-03T13:49:00.000-07:00

POLARIMBI MUSIC MIX- LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER
4/21/07

Sometimes music can say what one can't. Here are some songs that capture the many emotions -- the desperation, angst, and confusion -- that I have felt about living with bipolar disorder. I have also posted this iMix on iTunes. Search the iMixes for "Polarimbi"

@ Paralyzed by Rock Kills Kid - The title and that line, "The only way to cope is to realize" says it all.

@ Leave Me Alone by New Order - For those times I've been curled up in a ball and couldn't get out bed.

@ The Drugs Don't Work by The Verve - This is a siren's call, an SOS that sends shivers down my spine.

@ Until I Fall Away by the Gin Blossoms - Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be the same. I just try and keep going.

@ Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was by Radiohead - Because life is full of tripwires and landmines. Because I wish I was immune to the triggers.

@ In the Deep by Bird York - This is the soundtrack of my life.

@ Maybe Not by Cat Power - When I learned that Cat Power is bipolar, it changed how I heard this song.

@ Lost Cause by Beck - Because I feel like a freak. Because sometimes I wonder whether anything I do or take will make a difference at all.

@ Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode - Understand me. I want to sing this song to my husband.

@ Get the Balance Right! by Depeche Mode - This is about all the pressures and opposing forces pulling on me.

@ The Trick Is to Keep Breathing by Garbage - Sometimes that's all one can do.

2007-03-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

BLUE/MANIC MONDAY
3/19/07

I am not exactly sure what kind of day it is today, all I know is that it is Monday and that I am feeling very off, though I'm not sure how to describe my state of mind, which seems to have shifted in just one week.

When I last posted, I was feeling happy and confident with myself, but now I'm feeling all over the place -- sad one moment, scared the next, happy I''m not dead, yet grateful to have the life I have. But, most of all, I feel uncertain. It's kind of unclear when this started, and I am learning that this is what can happen when I start to enter a manic or depressive phase. A fog creeps up, descends, and before I know it, it's all around me.

What feels different from last week is that I don't feel grounded. I feel like I'm standing in a canoe about to tip over, not sure what the hell led me to stand up in the first place. Perhaps I was feeling too confident, brazen about managing my bipolar disorder. Perhaps I should have just kept myelf down, but no, I started waltzing and shopping around, which got quickly out of control. Just when I thought I had figured out how to be stable and felt excited about life, something like this changes.

It is all so terribly frustrating, but I have to keep trying and learning. Trial and error, is what I try to keep telling myself.

So I knew something wasn't right after yesterday. I flew into a rage when a saleswoman refused to refund some sandals I bought online. I had the receipt, but for some odd reason, it didn't match the stock numbers. She made some snide comments about not having the tags and looking worn (not true). I lost it -- I began yelling and threw the shoes over the counter. I know. I could have hit someone and ended up with an assault charge. It's embarassing. Naomi Campbell, Russell Crowe, both come to mind. Don't I wish it was just a case of anger management. Anyway, my young son was there, totally bewildered by my behaviour, witnessing the whole thing. Fortunately, I left the store before security came, completely shaken up. I tried to calm myself down and regain some perspective, telling my son that what I did was not right, that although she was unhelpful and I was frustrated, it is never okay to throw things or yell at someone. In all my years of purchasing and making returns, nothing like this had happened to me before.

So did I just lose it for an instance is it sign of something more menancing?

That's what makes being bipolar so complicated and hard to live with. How much is too much? It's so hard to know and tell. Right now the litmus test for me is whether I do something out of character and whether those around me are seeing anything alarming. Yes, it takes an army of loved and trusted ones to deal with this.

My own instinct is that something is off. I am wondering whether this has anything to do with having gone up on my Zoloft to help with my PMS. For months, I noticed that the week before my period, I had been getting very moddy and irritable. My psychiatrist suggested that I could try increasing my antidepressant a few days before my period to see if it helped, and then after my period, go back down to my regular dosage, which I did. So, who knows what is going on.

I am going call my psychiatrist today and will keep you posted. Heavy sigh.

2007-03-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

BUSY
3/13/07
Sorry to have not posted for a while. I've been busy with work, family, life. Yet, even when I am coping and doing well, appearing to manage and laugh like everyone else, I still have to live with my truth: I am bipolar. I can't really complain about my past few months, well, apart from a few ups and downs, and except for the part when I start have to have ambitions and I get scared of my reality: I am bipolar and so I have to rethink the choices I would otherwise make. My meds continue to be essential to my stability, well, at least I think they are. Slight adjustments to my meds have been made in response to my emotional ups and downs, I went up on my Lithium when I started to get revved up before the Christmas holidays and then affected by the widely publicized tragedy of a father lost in the snow. I increased my antidepressant when I began to feel weepy, down, and irritable. That is what this illness is about, inexplicable shifts in mood, which I am learning to accept are a part of me and require constant monitoring and an honesty with oneself. While some may have learned to live with it (knowingly or unknowingly), for me, the medications have kept me from stopping my car on the tracks or going wild on my credit card. I am lucky to have an excellent psychiatrist who specializes in this. So right mow, life is good, the sun is shining, and living with bipolar is okay.

2006-09-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

SENT ITEMS
9/22/06
So here is where it started. When life began to unravel and descend into madness. An email message sent a year ago today, on 9/22/05, after two consecutive nights of not sleeping and a frenzied week of activities to assist with Hurricane Katrina. My vision to help rebuild New Orleans' schools was grandiose, but were not the cause for concern. But then came the red flag that something was terribly off, quite literally, in my brain. I have edited some of names and places in the email. And yes, I really did send it to all those people...

*********************************
FROM: Me (Dr. L)
TO: My sister, several colleagues, a professor at a prestigious university, two principals of schools, a few close friends, a former colleague in London, a state congresswoman, a lawyer, my boss -- all kinds of people in my address book.
DATE: Thu, 22 Sep 2005 06:20:31 -0700
SUBJECT: For those of you who are wondering what the fuck is going on...

Dear Students of E's Advisory at MW High School Across the Bay:

Thank you for letting me sit and talk and share with you my history and learn about your own passions and experience and questions and to talk about the Hurricane. I learned a lot from you and I hope you learned something from me. As promised, I am getting back in touch with you and others. It took me a long time to get to your school and I was questioning while all these roadblocks were put up....

If you want to help change how things are in society, you will have to ACTIVATE ALL YOUR RESOURCES SIMULTANEOUSLY AND FOCUS ON A SINGLE CAUSE, MISSION, VISION, PURPOSE, OBJECTIVE.

There is a very small window of opportunity, and even though there have been many signs, people who do know know, how to think, or have been too busy are not able to see what is happening around the world. Some people are busy, some people are distracted, most of us are just maxed out. And the ones who can really take charge are taking care of their families. They are the ones that have the habits of heart, mind, soul, sisterhood, etc... We are working mothers, and it is very hard to find the time. So we have to get up very early, like you, G who gets up every morning and takes an 1 1/2 hour journey to get to Maple Land. She is the one who told me that everyone who tries to get to MW high school gets lost, especially in Maple Land.

But you have to start asking and telling people about the differences between the east and the west. THERE ARE NO DIFFERENCES, JUST WHAT WE HAVE IN COMMON. People in power like to take DNC and distort it.

DNC = Abortion
DNC = Democratic National Convention
DNC = Divide & Conquer

We are going to rewrite the rules of engagement, laydees!

The rules of Change are "R"s == Revise, Retool, Rethink, Redesign

When it gets hard, just breathe and listen to Toni Braxton's Please, I GOTSTA BREATHE. Breathing brings rest, relaxation, and that restores your health and ability to rethink.

Back to rethink.

It is time for a series of major campaigns to be ACTIVATED around the world in DIFFERENT LANGUAGES. This can be done because it's very EZ

EZ=Easy

When it gets scary, just breathe and say HOLY SHIT.

Yep, this if holy. I was going to say fucking holy. But that combination is bad. But here is how I see things RIGHT NOW. Everything that has been given to us is about to be taken away by the POP

POP=People in Power

The people in power are not mothers. They are SWM [sorry, but this has to be said, things that people never talked about like race and religion are now going be talked about because there are people out there willing and ready and know how. I think. I hope. This is personal mantra. Say that every day, friends.

SWM= Single with male, stupid white men ==? Check out michael moore. He is trying to get to New Orleans and is being stopped 25 miles out because of the stench of death and destruction and disease. Is he OK? Mothers care. Politicians ask other questions. We ask questions from our heart and our role, etc.

This area is being patrolled by BLACKWATER ==> Ask others why are they there? Who is black water? Why is it not clean water? Where is the H20. Is it clean?

Go to your local starbucks, I love them: Look at their campaign: about ethos and clean water. Tell them to donate water. They will look at you funny. You will have to explain. Don't worry. It's weird. But you will find your voice.

We're rewriting the rules of engagement. Just remember

R are the tools of inquiry. I always get enquiry and inquiry confused. Check it out.

I told you about my name
(Initials)

I told you about my mother? Another time
MSN.
Her mother was Marina ? Is all I know. I will find out and look into the past.

Marina, Katrina, ? It's about the purification of water.

The men in power have shit on the water. They have pooped in the water. They did not bring water to the mothers and their babies died of thirst.

That is unacceptable and the mothers of the world need to know that we are not taking this crap any longer.

I met a woman today in Maple Land, I was tryiing to reFUEL, my car. I didn't need gas, actually, I needed money, but the MAN MADE ME MAD. He made me buy gas I didn't need. Oh well. I bought his stupid gas and got some extra cash out and saw a sign: JUICE APPEAL. I wish I could put the juice in my car, I thought.

Well, I'm making lemonades out of lemons, my sister in my neighborhood likes to say when I tell her I'm stressed.

There I met a lovely mother, she was so tired. We talked about how hard life is being a mother. I said, I am so glad this place is here. I told her the story about needing money, not gas, and she laughed. But now I can get some healthy juice, she said.

She said that she liked Juice Appeal because it appealed to her emotion of the day. I said, Unbelievable. What a great idea. This is amazing. I saw it there: Raspberry Rage; Cantaloupe Quencher, other combinations of fruits and ideas. (Some of you already I think I've gone off my rocker, but that's okay. You'll just

When you bring ideas to the table they are like apples. Apples hold knowledge. Eve had an Apple. We all know what happened.

Remember, we are rewriting history, ourselves. It's about perspective. This is the perspective of the mothers, and we are sick of this shit.

All the D's -- the Death, destruction, you can add it up. Sometimes Dad. Dad is an acronym.

The answer is A-Z. The path to recovery are in the letters, the ideas, the voice.

But we have been working on the basics, we can only do 3 things hold 3 ideas in our head, Anything else, working moms get sick.

Sisters look out for each other. Men compete. We're about to transform the world. We have used our senses but lost one sense. Our mind. Why do they call women hysterical? What do they give them hysterectomies. It's in the history books. The history books are in the libraries. When you go to the library you:

IK = I know.

Ike. This is scary. I know I know I see I see.

Are you seeing? Do you believe what is happening? It's all around us but something has enabled me to see. Something. A force. And all the letters behind my name.

It's in the letters. We're about to bring down the house, clean it up. Staring with the kitchen. I'm sick of this shit.

SOS = SOS. Sick of shit. Shit of luck. Watch out for L's -- lust, lions, but those things can also be good and lead to love and roars. Are you getting it now?

SOLD! = I'M IN, I'M GOOD
SOLD$ = MONEY COMING IN
SOLD ; o -- HOLY SHITI

I'M going to stop now because I sense some evil in the air.

Times are scary.

Last thing. Watch out for S's -- snakes are sneaky. I have a team of S's but they are secret. The are reading this message and completely freaked out. They couldn't think that such a thing, that our/their work was all combined. Holy shit.

I went over a bridge this morning. Talk with you girls. Saw the writing on the wall. I've been transformed. I've made the connections. It's up to you. I've got people who know the code, some with keys, some with secrets, some with $$, some with ideas, some with access

I just fired a shot around the world. It's time for revolution.
We are about to rewrite the rules and it's going to be free and all on good will. No money involved, well, except for the rich who now have to give to the poor.

One last miracle. I have managed to live and think on very little sleep. You can too. When you awaken your brain. We waste a lot energy, scratching our heads and other parts of our body trying to figure it out. There is a reason why you are scratching your head. You are trying to figure this out.

Don't. Just ACTIVATE, PRINT OUT YOUR EMAILS, AND CONNECT THE ORDERS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER AND USE THE CODE. EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO DO IS IN CAPS.

YOU WILL HAVE QUESTIONS, TONS. DON'T WORRY. SOMETHINGS CANNOT BE EXPLAINED, AND SOME THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON.

BUT GOD IS FED UP. GOD IS PISSED OFF. GOD IS MAD THAT WE HAVE NOT TAKEN CARE OF OUR MOTHERS AND HE IS ABOUT TO PUT ONE IN CHARGE: (ME).

GO! I'LL TELL THE STORY LATER ABOUT CROSSING THE BRIDGE OVER THE WATER.

Oh, and if you are in. Email me now.

Remember the code: Snakes are all around us ready to strike and steal.

There are times in the world where missions and visions and all that stuff converge. When the path is clear and the reason why you did all the stuff you did, putting up with BS, etc, happened. I am happy to sit with you and share my own story about my name and my educational history sometime.

So, laydez, you will have either get on the bus or get off. My good friend, OL, once told me a story that made me cry and run away with shame. She told me that Toni Morrison, yes, the great author, once said. I think that if they came and took me away on the bus, my white friends would let them. Think about that. Research that. Use your habits of mind girls!

I have a few websites for you to start researching:
FHAO. I have been trying for 3 years to figure out how and why I want them in my life and now I know. They have wonderful materials for you to borrow and start teaching folks. Great stuff. When you are ready, I will hook you up. You will need to assign a person.

We're about to start a movement and it will be fun, scary, hard, tiring, people you know and love will think you are crazy, but that is what happens when you want to change the world. You have look at all the signs and then draw a conclusion. Then you must weigh the evidence. Then you must deicde what the various solutions are and what steps to take. That is the scariest part!

So let me know if you, like Rosa Parks are ready to say: TO HELL WITH THIS, I'M GETTING ON THE BUS!

If you are, let me know!

K: Get with G and J and M and brainstorm ASAP A WISH LIST TO GET MORE GIRLS SAILING AROUND THE WORLD DELIVERING MESSAGES. THIS IS HOW WE WILL USE THE SEA. WE WILL FEEL SICK AT FIRST BUT WE HAVE TO USE OUR SISTERHOOD TO HELP EACH OTHER FEEL BETTER, IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU WILL GIVE BIRTH. YOU TELL THE SECRET TO THOSE YOU TRUST, WHO CARE, WHO KNOW YOU, WHO WILL DO SOMETHING WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE. BACK TO BIDNEZZZZ. FIND OUT WHO TALKS LIKE THAT. YOU KNONW. I CAN TELL YOU IF YOU GET STUCK BUT YOU HAVE TO EMAIL ME AND IT WILL BE IN AIRPORT CODE.

TIP: CODE IS GOOD BUT WHEN YOU TALK OR SEND ANYTNING TO THE PUBLIC IT MUST BE SHARP, CLEAR, EDITED. SOMETIMES WE TALK IN CODE; OTHER TIMES WE TALK IN PUBLIC; WE TALK DIFFERENTLY IN PRIVATE AND PUBLIC SETTINGS. IT'S CALLED CODE SWITCHING. NUFSAID.

2006-09-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

LIFE CHANGES
9/21/06
A year ago today I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until then, it was always something that someone else had. And then it was me. It has been an incredibly painful year of life changes, of suffering and of healing, of self-realization and recovery.

I have, and am still, learning every day how to live wth, manage, and accept who I am. Before life was about taking risks, now, it is about minimizing them.

That's one of the many ways that life changed for me after September 22, 2005. I will, for the rest of my life, always tread carefully on this day and know to take extra care of myself on this month.

September, I have now learned (according to another one of my trusty doctors) is a month of tremendous change. It apparently, is the month when all the psych wards run out of beds. The changes in the weather, the shortening of the days, the start of the school year, the changes in schedules and routines, the end of the fiscal year, and the beginning of the academic calendar are stressful for most people. However, for the bipolars, September is a landmine of life triggers that can increase anxiety, cause insomnia, stir up thinking -- and, thus, September is a particularly vulnerable month for bipolar people. Some of us nosedive down into depression; the others of us skyrocket up into mania.

It makes sense. I'm not sure that knowing this would have prevented anything, but it's helpful to know (now). I do think that it is really true that sometimes we really have to learn things the hard way for life to make sense. So before this month ends, make sure to do something to take care of YOURSELF.

2006-09-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

ONE LIFE
9/12/06
Like I was saying (yesterday), you just never know what events, big or small, will change one's life. (I mean, who knew that my life was about to take some crazy turn into the unknown? I sure didn't).

It was my sister in London who awoke and was among the first to open the email message (see, "SENT ITEMS"/Sept. 22, 2006) which made everyone sit back and wonder what the hell was happening with me. My sister called my husband -- is L okay -- and he came to my office and found me (not okay) -- wandering around in a paranoid state, ranting about an earthquake that I believed was about to hit, clutching all my strange notebooks with strange codes. He took me to the university's emergency room (telling me not to look at all signs that I pointed out as evidence that something terrible was about to happen). My poor husband, seeing me like that. Then he had the painful task of calling all the various people in my life -- my parents, my sister, and my brother. He explained (what he could) to my closest friends, colleagues, those who received The Email and his own family: L is having a severe manic episode. She is psychotic and we don't know how long she is going to be in the hospital.

It's funny (funny peculiar and funny haha) to reread the email message. It's as though a dam burst inside my strange brain, pent-up by years of stress, frustration, unfilled creativity. The dam cracked into pieces, unleashing from the deepest recesses of my mind, a flood of ideas and emotions. Katrina, and everything about it, pushed me over the edge. I knew that I had been fed up. I knew that I had wanted to do something. I wanted to make a difference. And I felt I could help save the schools. But I was the one who jumped in, headfirst, into the rushing waters and had to be rescued by family and friends. And although I know now that traumatic world events and other stressful moments can trigger an episode (manic or depressive) for bipolar people, it will always remain a question for me: What was it about Katrina and The Flood that unleashed my manic-depression? Why did it happen at this time in my life?

When I was recovering in the hospital, I could not find the words to explain -- to myself, my son, my friends, my family -- what was happening in my head. I could not bear to think about how my life was being redefined, scrutinized, changing.

One day (while I was still in the hospital) my husband brought me a CD player and some music (that I imagine he carefully screened and selected): Miles Davis, Morrisey, Brian Eno -- music that we had enjoyed together before all this happened. The music was amazingly helpful, a bandage that I could wrap around my head to soothe and heal my injured mind. For me, music is a kind of medium that can convey the depth, complexity and layers of our emotions, communicating the lives that we struggle to understand and maintain. "Sing Your Life!" Morrisey says. It was the only song that made me feel that it was okay to run and skip and smile.

I was going through all my CDs the other day, when I came across One (by U2). It was like finding a favorite childhood toy that you thought was lost or coming across a photo of a special moment that you never wanted to end. You probably have heard One. Do listen to it (again) if you can. I think you'll agree, it's a pretty amazing song.

One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life (with each other)
Sisters. Brothers.
One life (But we're not the same)
Carry each other. Carry each other.
One (life)
One....

2006-09-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW
9/11/06
I was with my son and my sister when we heard the news. We were in London. We saw the images. We frantically called those we knew in New York and could not get through. We felt disbelief, horror, confusion, helplessness. On this day, five years later, take the time to hold the ones you love (as though you will never see them again) and tell them how happy you are to have them in your life.

2006-09-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

HOME FROM HOSPITAL
11/23/05 (as noted in my journal)
It is two weeks after spending two, almost three weeks in the hospital. Mom flew over to be here for me when I got out, adding a steady and calming presence to what could have been chaos and more tragedy. It reminds me of the time when my one and only son, O, was born. I don't know what I would have done without Mom here to help out. But only this time, I am the needy child. This time Mom is not taking care of a newborn baby, but looking at her own child with concern and love. At me, a grown up woman with a new illness. A mental illness.

Here at home I feel safer than I did at the hospital, but I still feel scared. I want to do something to burn off my creative energy. I want to get on my laptop. But that's what got me into trouble in the first place. And now everyone (Mom, husband) keeps looking at me funny. Strange looks of sympathy and puzzlement.

When I was in my manic state, I was convinced that I, "Dr. L," was the human representation of creative energy: e=mc2
One male and 2 creative "Y’s – a male “elle” -- Missy Elliot raps that. Boogie and swerve. Let me move to the left. Move twice and you will find the energy.

Go to the left! When I was manic, I was convinced that I had moved into another dimension. I believed that I held the key to understanding the intersection of rational and creative thought, of chaos and complexity theory.

I spent nearly 3 weeks thinking about this (and more) in the psychiatric intensive unit of El Camino. I thought it was funny, the name of the hospital. I was trapped in/on The Road. To where? To what? Well, I didn’t get far with my theories, or who knows what I came up, based on what notes I made. I gave my notes away to a woman who was bipolar like me, an educator and teacher like me, convinced and certain that she would safeguard them. Did I simply want to give her some ideas that could help her understand and navigate her place in the world? Who knows? Why did I give them to her? Who knows? Will I see her again? Who knows.

When I thought I “knew” everything, I wrote everything in code, trying to express relationships between ideas through numbers. (Why are we able to represent the power of numbers through equations, but haven't figured what to do to convey the meaning and strength of emotions? Why can't we quantify and measure our emotions like our body temperature?)

See how my brain works?! I would sit facing the psychiatrist with my notes explaining that I would publish them someday. She said, "Sure. Keep your notes. Keep writing. I am sure you will be famous one day."

When you are bipolar, I think you find yourself moving from east to west from south to north and back again. Picking up pieces of cool stuff -- cool ideas, neat things -- and flying back forth like a magpie at supersonic speed, building nests of understanding and trying to find meaning at each pole. Sometimes you can be very efficient and productive. You seem highly prolific and effective. But then sometimes it all unravels and you are surrounded by unfinished tasks and daunting ideas. It's like me and my performance of late at a rather presitigous university, which is why many bipolar people are probably unable to hold onto their jobs. It is really difficult for linear, rational, non-bipolar people to understand and live with. My husband, for example, is one of these people. We bipolar people look like we are chasing our tales, going off in many inexplicable directions. We're flightly, unreliable, but passionate about the things we are able to do. Unfortunately, for some bipolar people, I think when they hit a brick wall of depression, they literally tear their hair out – depressed and enraged that they cannot accomplish their goals or convey their ideas.

I am wondering how “bi” got attached to "polar" and used with "disorder." Surely there is another way to describe this rather complex condition. I think that the bipolar people who go "crazy" are probably really lost and not anchored by the support of friends and family. They are repressed by life and made to move linearly and at a maddeningly slow pace. The BPs are told, “You need to slow down.” But the world is going by too quickly. And no one seems to know how to help.

***********************************

CLOUD CUCKOOLAND
November 22, 2005

It is now nearly a month later and I feel considerably different – better, clearer, stabler. Is is the medications that are finally working? I’d like to think so. Oops. I forgot to take this morning’s medications. So I will take my Abilify at 11 am before I shoot off to the university to spin cycle.

I should have been writing while I was at El Camino – to track my emotions. Maybe I’ll list out some of the key events and people I met which will help me remember for later:

I remember Lady Diana – the high school teacher who I am still trying to find.

I remember feeling special with special powers – and others confirming that feeling. I thought and did some rather strange things, which I'll have to elaborate upon...another time.

I remember communicating with aliens, who I believe had landed outside my window.

I remember feeling outraged at any lack of compassion and the extreme confusion that many patients felt around their medications and rights.

I remember feeling very upset with my husband for not visiting me regularly, and for not being strong enough to bring my son, O.

I remember music helping a lot, and helping a lot of people including Lady Diana and other women I met. I am still in touch with the woman across the hall from me. I wonder how they all are doing.