ONE LIFE
9/12/06
Like I was saying (yesterday), you just never know what events, big or small, will change one's life. (I mean, who knew that my life was about to take some crazy turn into the unknown? I sure didn't).

It was my sister in London who awoke and was among the first to open the email message (see, "SENT ITEMS"/Sept. 22, 2006) which made everyone sit back and wonder what the hell was happening with me. My sister called my husband -- is L okay -- and he came to my office and found me (not okay) -- wandering around in a paranoid state, ranting about an earthquake that I believed was about to hit, clutching all my strange notebooks with strange codes. He took me to the university's emergency room (telling me not to look at all signs that I pointed out as evidence that something terrible was about to happen). My poor husband, seeing me like that. Then he had the painful task of calling all the various people in my life -- my parents, my sister, and my brother. He explained (what he could) to my closest friends, colleagues, those who received The Email and his own family: L is having a severe manic episode. She is psychotic and we don't know how long she is going to be in the hospital.

It's funny (funny peculiar and funny haha) to reread the email message. It's as though a dam burst inside my strange brain, pent-up by years of stress, frustration, unfilled creativity. The dam cracked into pieces, unleashing from the deepest recesses of my mind, a flood of ideas and emotions. Katrina, and everything about it, pushed me over the edge. I knew that I had been fed up. I knew that I had wanted to do something. I wanted to make a difference. And I felt I could help save the schools. But I was the one who jumped in, headfirst, into the rushing waters and had to be rescued by family and friends. And although I know now that traumatic world events and other stressful moments can trigger an episode (manic or depressive) for bipolar people, it will always remain a question for me: What was it about Katrina and The Flood that unleashed my manic-depression? Why did it happen at this time in my life?

When I was recovering in the hospital, I could not find the words to explain -- to myself, my son, my friends, my family -- what was happening in my head. I could not bear to think about how my life was being redefined, scrutinized, changing.

One day (while I was still in the hospital) my husband brought me a CD player and some music (that I imagine he carefully screened and selected): Miles Davis, Morrisey, Brian Eno -- music that we had enjoyed together before all this happened. The music was amazingly helpful, a bandage that I could wrap around my head to soothe and heal my injured mind. For me, music is a kind of medium that can convey the depth, complexity and layers of our emotions, communicating the lives that we struggle to understand and maintain. "Sing Your Life!" Morrisey says. It was the only song that made me feel that it was okay to run and skip and smile.

I was going through all my CDs the other day, when I came across One (by U2). It was like finding a favorite childhood toy that you thought was lost or coming across a photo of a special moment that you never wanted to end. You probably have heard One. Do listen to it (again) if you can. I think you'll agree, it's a pretty amazing song.

One love, one blood, one life
You got to do what you should
One life (with each other)
Sisters. Brothers.
One life (But we're not the same)
Carry each other. Carry each other.
One (life)
One....