Dear Polarimbi Readers,

I have not posted for ages, quite literally, years. And for that, I must apologize, especially to my old friends and supporters.  I am back, and I have a lot I want to share and say in the hope that doing so will help in some small way.

I have aged in my absence, but I am certainly more wiser, more experienced and more capable of managing this crazy condition. It is a terrible beast, but I have it on a leash, for now, the most part.  I know myself more; I have, for all intents and purposes, found myself.  And I like myself.  And that is a good thing.  (Now where I want to go with myself, raises a whole other set of issues and questions, but we will not take these on for now). 

I have found that I have aged, physically. My poor body has been punished by unrelenting waves of turmoil and nauseating ups and downs.  My poor heart, I have loved and I have lost. I have had my heart stabbed and broken and broken again and broken again. It is on the mend right now, but it still pumps, and it is a muscle that is now stronger.  And it does still feel.  My poor blood, it runs but it struggles at times, I now have hypertension that must be controlled with medication.  And so my poor liver, having to filter all those fucking pills, I diligently take my meds and I take on all their side effects, I have accepted that this is what I must do to stay within My Manageable Zone, a zone of blips and trips,  in which I am still able to function, to mother, to work, to live life, proportional to the events that occur. I have, like many like me, gone off my meds, intentionally and unintentionally, with a rather disastrous set of consequences, including a second hospitalization and field trip to Cloud Cuckooland. 

What I didn't have before but now have, as I explained to a friend, is a barometer that constantly measures and monitors whether what I am feeling inside is indeed proportional to what is happening outside.  And I have to adjust that barometer if I am feeling super high or super low.  I work at all this, all the time.  And none of it is easy.

At the moment, I am in a mild depression. It is, thankfully, not to the point where I am sitting on the floor of my shower in a fetal position. Nowhere near that, fortunately.  It is what my son calls, sucky. It sucks. Everything feels and tastes blah. It is feeling down in the dumps. It is low speed and high drag.  I have learned to inject a dark sense of humor when I'm down like this. Like the time I told my sister, when she asked how I was doing, that I was playing around in the mud.  She thought that was hilarious, and we both laugh-cried. Now one of THE MOST IMPORTANT things I have also learned over the past couple of years is to have faith in the saying, “This, too, shall pass.”  I really do hang onto those dear words, and hanging onto them for dear life has helped me from dropping into the abyss.

I will have a lot more to say and stories to share, my friends, but for now, I will leave it at this.  I am also learning to appreciate the fine skill and art of stopping. Of stopping so I can sleep. Of stopping so I can eat.  Of stopping so I can tell myself that everything is going to be ok. 

FACE MASKS

So I joined Facebook.  Uh huh.  With very mixed emotions about the implications of consequences yet to be experienced.

I wonder if it is possible for a stranger reading through this blog to find me through Facebook, and ask to be my friend.  I wonder what I would say.

For me, strangers are not frightening. I am not afraid to reveal myself, my secrets, my dreams to a total stranger.  I do not have to wear a mask.  I do not fear their judgment.

But family?  Friends?  Colleagues?  The thought of them reading this blog is frankly, terrifying.  The stuff of nightmares.  I might as well waltz naked into the office.

It is a complete paradox to me, that a journal that might help my loved ones to understand me better, is something that I would rather share with strangers.  It is a paradox, that wearing a mask is what I must do with those who are closest to me, to manage, at certain times, the turmoil that lies beneath.

____________________

SOLDIER ON!

I had a great first half of this year, but a rough and tumble summer followed. I suffered a few fractures from an episode and a nasty, unnecessary, costly custody battle; but I am far from broken. On the contrary, I have come out of this stronger and wiser.  My son, a real trooper, and I, closer than ever. I found this journal entry below, buried in my draft posts from last year, much resonates for me still:


Stress Fractures (written in 2009)

Stress can do all kinds of things. It can warp perspective. It can create cracks in a friendship. It can distract and disrupt. A stress fracture can be so crippling to the point that you ask: Do I give up or give in?

Everyone is saying to me: Polarimibi, don't give up. Hang in there, you
will get through all this. You will come up on dry land.

I don't think I will give up, giving up is not a choice. Yet the reality is that I am in a whirlpool of enormous stress, and stress triggers all kinds of changes in the chemistry of my brain.  Stress, however, can also motivate, and create a laser like focus that carries a person over the finish line.

I see what is happening in my brain as a blessing and a curse. Some parts of my brain are working very well -- on the left, I am finding words to connect and describe the complex happenings in my life. On the right, other parts of my brain are paralyzed, uncertain, and murky.

My sister-in-law told me that in Кыргызстан, in her culture, it is well known and accepted that in times of great stress, one side of the body shuts down, and the other takes over, and carries the full weight.
________________________________

I am back. I am alive. I am breathing.
I survived. I am crossing. I am loving.

I am me, myself, and I.

I am writing poetry! I am doing very well.
How and why? Another blog post. Another day.

Today is a beautiful day. Always a day for poetry.
That is how I keep flowing, in darkness and in light.
Poetry is an outlet for the profound and the mundane.
Fascinating forum for understanding and misunderstanding.
Read on face value, read between the lines, sex through subtext.

YO, ANYONE OUT THERE?

Helloooooooo! Where is everyone? I went click clicking to visit some blogs and hardly anyone is home. One blog was removed entirely. Another experienced a divorce, but seems to be coping pretty well. Impressive. Another lost a son, hasn't posted in months, Understandable. Others just haven't written or posted in a very long time.

I am not sure what this means, if it means anything at all.

I am writing because I am utterly bored.

Current performance review / status: Operating and functioning somewhat, maintaining job surprisingly, laughing and smiling occasionally, spending frugally, sleeping fairly. divorcing in progress. Living, ranging from satisfactory to minimally satisfactory.

FLOWING

"Just go with the flow," he said, "Stop trippin' on what everyone thinks."

But sometimes we do trip on the tripwires, and the flow of life gets jammed up, nothing flows in the brain,
and I am paralyzed by the uncertainty of what comes next and the fear of
what everyone thinks and wonders about me.

And then what happens when the financial flow is cut off? The feeling of being drained while being in a holding pattern of not receiving support because the soon-to-be-ex-husband is paying the full mortgage while praying (to a God he doesn't believe in) that someone will buy the house, and then not being able to pay rent because of not receiving support and having the parents pray (to a God they fervently believe in) that their daughter's house will sell so that I will have a place to live.

And then, a miracle. A breakthrough to get things flowing again -- an offer from a family of four willing to move into a 2bedroom 1 bath house, a disclosure of humiliating debt, a negotiation to stay afloat, an agreement to preserve stability.

Keeping things flowing while trying to achieve, staying afloat, and finding stability is the goal. Mental, economic, physical.

Next up... flexibility and force.

UNIVERSAL TRAVELLER*

So what do you do when you are traveling with no brakes, surrounded by clouds with blurry vision, and are headed through a dark tunnel with a cliff at the end and the ocean on one side? Well, stopping is no option. Do you attempt to turn around or do you make a sharp turn to the left or right?

I tried to turnaround, but I was told that going back to the past was not an option. So I turned left and guess what, I didn't go over the edge and suddenly, the skies cleared and I could see the light, to the right, on the other side.

Sometimes the only way forward is to follow your instincts and trust that the people who love you will guide you through, whatever path you choose.

You will not believe the unbelievable stuff that I have been trying to navigate through - an unsettled divorce, crippling debt from my manic episode, my young son battling depression, and trying to sell a home in what is perhaps the worst economy our country has ever faced.

Then, there is my mind. Going from one extreme to the next, and trying to make sense of the poles of my life.

By the way, I thought I lost my glasses the other day, for real, and my son found them on the floor of the car. For real.

(*I've got many friends who can care for me...so far...so far..." Air, Talkie Walkie)

1.6.09
Humpty Dumpty Fell in the Sea

I was swallowed up by the ocean and spit out, in pieces. However, someone rescued me and put me back together again. I am holding onto life and still breathing.

Boots For Weathering Storms
08.30.08
Looking through the pictures that I took with my camera this summer, I find it both harrowing and amazing that I made It through the past few months -- barely, nearly, and still standing. I waded and weathered through yet another unexpected hurricane, one of tremendous emotional stresses and triggers. Thinking back to May, some form of episode was inevitable, though I tried everything I could with those around me, to prevent it.

The abandonment of my husband of 12 years, the discovery of his lies and affair, the temporary removal of custody of my son, the unspoken fear and panic of my parents and family, the betrayal and loss of a best friend, the physical suffering and consequences of another episode and the side effects of an unprecedented level of medications. This time around, however, I feel stronger and my rebound back to life and reality is, for some reason, smoother and less bleak than my recovery in 2005, after that other hurricane, Katrina.

I find myself wondering, why hurricanes appear and feature so powerfully and suddenly, in both a metaphoric and physical sense, in my life and bipolar struggles. Now there is Gustav on the horizon. I can only hope that, like me, the people who are awaiting its impact will be more prepared than that last hurricane. But we all know, that with both nature and our bodies, nothing is ever certain or predictable. We can only hope and put our best foot forward, with the resources we have and the knowledge we know.

For those of you who have been checking in, wondering what and how Polarimbi is doing, thank you. I survived, and continue to do so. I hope that the stories of my continuing journey to love, laugh, and live with myself are providing you with some insight and understanding that can help you and the ones you love. Namaste.

July Something
Ever wish you had a camera to capture the completely strange and Whacky things you do and see? To capture it and to go back and analyze what happens right then and there? (Like, yo, was that PHD real me or the psycho/manic me?) Sometimes it would be good to get ANOTHER PERSON’S perspective. I bought a new camera and took pictures of some my lovely hypomanic creations and guess what, I can’t find my f’n camera! There’s one of me acting like a witch with all this garbage in the bin and me trying to rid the world of its stench and evil with my little garden hose. You can IMAGINE The things I put in the bin. Hilarious. I guess some things are not JUST meant to be EXPLAINED, captured, OR SHARED you know what I’m sayin’ boy/girl friends? ; )…

Peace out.
/erf

P.S.
“Can someone tell me what is UP with the Weather and our SUN these days?!?”


July 13th]
I’m with my dawg now. Right here. Funk soul is the way in. Check out Fat Boy Slim if you want the keys to the universe.

Next……..

Where the hell is my charger? SomeOne took it from my house. Seriously.

Not funny.

My funk soul’s charger is missing. PERIOD.

WE ARE GOING TO THE APPLE STORE. TOMORROW. GOGOGOGOGOOGOG.

CHECK IT OUT. UPDPDPPDPDPDPPDPDPDPDPDPDPDPDP.

Funk soul brother.

Lift off. Go to KINGSTON and you will see the STARS. BRING YOUR MOM


July 13, 2008
Message from JSM: I LOVE THIS WOMAN. NOW WHAT? ANYWHO….
THAT’S WHAT. SO THERE. KEEP IT REAL aight. BOYYYYY.

XOXOXP.period.

There’s been a lot going on. I feel I have been fighting multiple battles on many different LEVELS and FRONTS. But baby, I’m FRONTIN. I’m PFREAL, just like PHarrelll of the Neptunes. What a great song to groove to when you are feeling down.

I have managed to get through the RAPIDS, and am just CHILLIN’ with a wonderful new FRIEND. My priority is to PHeel GOod and PHreeeeee!. ; )

xoxoxo
ERF

(Picture to be posted)

Friday the 13th
6.13.08

What a freakin' freaky friday yesterday. I discovered and learned/realized and confirmed that I have a 2nd nature -- that for every good thing I've done, I've done (and can do) something evil.

East and West. Really, they should unite.

Seriously. I lost my faith and now here it is staring at me in the face. I lost family friends, and discovered new and old ones.

If You believe, don't wait, because It's time to come together.
Don't forget. It's Father's Day tomorrow.
Don't get it wrong. Don't hesitate. Don't wait. Just get along.
Unite. (If Hilary and Obama can do it, so can you!).
If You get along, You can/will sit upon the throne.
Na na na na na na nana nana nana.

Now!, Namaste......it's time for those.downward dogs to go down!

Here's Where the Story Ends
6.6.08

Dear Friends.
At the end of the rapids was a waterfall, and then another, and then another. just like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yes, m'am/sir, SS was/is a genius. You can find a lot of historical treasures in his films.

I am just paddling now and going down various channels and going with the flow, like Enya's orinoco flow. The tributaries are intersecting, and it's a bit complicated, but I just follow my heart.

I have discovered the answers to a lot of the oh-my-my mama mia mysteries.

The story of ERF/Polarimbi is only just beginning..... so stay tuned! ;)

xoxoxoxoxo

A Rough Ride
3.3.08

I am fighting the rapids, tightening the life vest. Not sure what is at the end of this twisted river.

Upside Down You're Turning Me
3.3.08

I am having trouble reading my signs. One moment I think I am okay, and then suddenly, I feel very off. Then I feel fine, and then I don't. One day, I feel in control, and then the next, I want to drive straight into a brick wall. I look around my home, I see order and feel like I am maintaining my responsibilities, but then I want to throw dishes everywhere and crawl under the bed. I want my husband to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but then I can't breathe with him watching my every move. I feel like I am riding the rapids and hate that I have to readjust my lifevest at every twist and turn