Writing is a good thing.  It is such a good thing. I am thankful that I know how to write.

I almost forgot, not having written for years, under the pen of Polarimbi, how much I love and enjoy it.  How much writing has helped me.  How writing gave me a voice when I could barely speak.  How writing gave me order and organization in the middle of chaos.  

I think that when you are trying to make sense of emotions that make no sense, you need all the tools of communication you can find.  You need to know that you can write whatever you want and no one close to you will judge you.  You need to know that you can write whatever you want and that total strangers know exactly what that pain and frustration feels like.

I must find a way to give this skill and facility to my son. It is such a powerful tool in life, the saying is true, there is power in knowing how to write.  To write well, to flow, feels like cutting through the stuff that suffocates.  I feel like I am moving through something, I am in charge of where I go with my words, I am accomplishing something that only I own.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2015

I am still here, folks. Life is good. I was laid off, but actually, I think it was some form of divine intervention.  That job, my Rock of Gibraltor, served its purpose.  The university, the environment, the people, the work I did -- were agents of healing and strengthening.

I honestly think, that all that circuity in my brain that got fried through life's emotional trauma, was restored and rewired.  Yeah, I'm still bipolar. I know, I can feel it when I miss even a morning of medication. I'm not stupid enough to declare myself "all better now." 

It's the acceptance, the so-fucking-what, the knowing when to tell, when not to tell; when to retreat that I think I've become pretty good at.

I'm in a healthy, supportive relationship.  More about that later.

That little boy is now a teenager, taller than me wearing size 12 shoes.  And he knows that his mother his bipolar.  And we still laugh, and smile, and hug each other.  And he says, "You're still a great mother, Mom."

A good note to end on for today.  Time to go get him.

Yours truly,

Polarimbi