SISTER
4.25.07
I talked to my younger sister the other day. She always makes me laugh. She is the one who sent me those funky fuschia Morrocan slippers (as pictured in my post below) when I was in the hospital watching spaceships land outside my window and tossing pills out to the aliens.

When my sister and I were single, we used to talk 3-4 times a day. Then we got married and we talked a couple of times a week. Then we had children and now we're lucky to talk once a month. She has two beautiful kids; I have one. That's life.

There's a lot I can say about my sister. A few things for sure: She is a survivor, she carries the invisible scars of a horrible childhood tragedy and crime. She is perceptive, thoughtful, generous, and kind. She makes friends wherever she goes. She's not bipolar like me, although she struggled with depression during her last pregnancy. I was so worried that she would get post-partum depression the way I did. Fortunately, she weathered through it. I kept telling her that she shouldn't be afraid to go on medications; she said okay, but she never did. She's like that. She gave birth to her children with no epidural, no pain relief, nothing. She just takes the pain.

Growing up, I thought she was an irritant, something that got in my way. Then one day when I was about 13, my father took me aside and told me that my sister just wanted to be with me, to learn from me, to be like me. It was like this catharsis: I wept, I felt so bad, I had no idea. After that, she became my best friend. I took her everywhere. She came with me on my first college visit. We drove across Missouri listening to Depeche Mode, the Book of Love, and 10,000 Maniacs. The music was so loud we had no clue the muffler had fallen off. I was probably hypomanic, but it was still exciting, innocent, and fun.

My sister is also the person who called me at 4:30 am on September 22, 2005 to ask why I was sending emails warning people about an earthquake. She detected something was terribly wrong, she called my husband to check on me at work where I was wandering around in a daze. She is the one who drew me heart pictures to remind me how much I was loved when I wanted to die.

Thank you, Sister, for bringing so much love and laughter into my life.

PREDICTING THE FUTURE
4/23/07
"The best way to predict the future is to create it."

I do yoga every Monday and my teacher ended today's class with this quote. It really made me think.

I can't predict my moods or know what will happen with this mercurial illness of mine, however, I can be better prepared for whatever does happen by taking care of my health and relationships. The decisions I make in the present can shape what happens in the future. For me, the best way to predict my future is to create the conditions in which I want to to live: I can be more aware, more honest with myself, more loving, more accepting. I can take better care of myself and the people I love, right now. Namaste.

A GOOD START
4/20/07
I am utterly in love with this new song. I think it is so beautiful and rocking and the lyrics resonate with me. I heard it on Grey's Anatomy last night, dowloaded it, burned it, and drove through the hills with it cranked way up, the windows down and the hair blowing. There has been so much death, loss, and pain in the world this week. So I feel lucky to be alive and fortunate to be keeping life in perspective. That's a good start.

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A Good Start by Maria Taylor
You're one with the burdon of intuition.
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare.
You're one with the best friend you lost,
You wish was still there.

You're one with the dust on that old piano.
You're one with the strings on your new guitar.
You're one with the wind through the open window,
You are.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

You're one with the echos of conversation.
You're one with the strangers you overheard.
You're one with the lesson that was the best one you learned.

It was a faint line that brought you here,
And a pulse that kept you in time.
It was the comfort of a tradition,
Like the few that were not that kind.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.
And pick you up.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It was a long, dark, sleepy morning walk.
You fell down, case and point.
It was a good start.
It was a good start.

It's a shame now, baby, you can't see yourself, And everything you're running from.
And it's the same world, honey, that has brought You down,
As the one that's gonna pick you up.

And it's a shame now, baby, you can't separate
Yourself from where you stood.
And it's the same world, honey, that made you feel so bad,
That makes you feel so good.
Feel so good.

LIFE IS A CAROUSEL
4/12/07

I read a SharePost on Bipolar Connect, “Uncovering My Frame of Mind” posted by GJ Gregory. It was very helpful, and I highly recommend any of his other posts.

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/8377/current-frame-mind/

GJ Gregory, whose name is Jon, is one of the resident experts on Bipolar Connect, an online support community and REAL LIFE person who is Living With Bipolar Disorder and the first to post a comment on this blog. For months, I had been blogging away and felt like I had been yelling into outerspace, “Hello! Hello! Anyone out there? Am I alone?” (Well, no surprise there, no one knew about the blog) And then I came across Bipolar Connect, found the courage to post a comment to the community, and then from out of nowhere, an email from Jon. What a comforting feeling to realize that I was not alone.

I admire Jon's wisdom, courage and insight. I can relate to the experiences he has shared, and right now, his struggle to define and gain some control of what is happening with his moods. Jon is going through a tough time with a mixed episode (though he's not sure what it is, some kind of downturn, again something I can relate to). I have not lived with this as long as Jon, but I am learning that when I don't know what the f is going is, sometimes wracking my brain to try figure it out turns into a vicious cycle, leaving me even more helpless and confused. How do you make sense of a senseless disease? I can read all the research to understand, but emotionally, it is another thing. I can make sense of the disease to some degree, but there is just so much that cannot be explained.

My written journals before my diagnosis are filled with entries about the confusion I felt over my surges of energy and creativity, followed by periods of defeatism and depression. I was up, I was down. I felt like I was going around and around chasing my tail. Now I am learning to just say, okay, here we go again, my chemicals are out of whack and I'm bloody all over the place. If I can't label, I call my doctor and say exactly that, I don't know what I'm feeling. I just feel a bit off, not myself. Then I lay low, avoid places that make me manic, be gentle with myself, and let my loved ones know.

For me, acceptance is helping to cushion the blow of being bipolar. Acceptance of the known as well as the unknown. It's sort of like fighting - just try to relax and perhaps the blows won't hurt so much. Not that it sucks and you feel like imploding and exploding at the same time, but instead of screaming and throwing things, now I just try to breathe and cut back. I say no. I get take out. I call in sick. It’s okay if I go a bit dumb and numb for awhile, it will pass.

But I think that for those of us who treasure our creativity and rely on our minds to navigate our work and lives, when the compass goes a bit berserk and we can't figure out what end is up, what direction to go, we are really lost. We struggle frantically to regain perspective. But sometimes, we just have to wait until the sun comes again.

Something my therapist does that helps me keep perspective is reminding me that much of what I feel about life is NORMAL. The most chemically balanced people experience avoidance, a block in creativity, job uncertainty/stress and insomnia, my therapist tells me. Everything you experience in life is not always about being bipolar, it’s about living life.

GUESS WHAT
4/10/07

Today, I told some colleagues who were talking about depression that I was bipolar.

Later, one of them thanked me for sharing and said that I would be a helpful resource.

This is all I have to say today.

5 THINGS ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER YOU, YOUR FRIENDS, OR FAMILY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN
4/3/2007

@ Bipolar disorder, once known as manic-depression, is a psychiatric diagnosis referring to a mental health condition defined by periods of extreme, often inappropriate, and sometimes unpredictable mood states.

@ Bipolar individuals generally experience mania, hypomania or mixed states alternating with clinical depression and euthymic or normal range of mood over varied periods of time. There are many variations of this disorder.

@ As well as being linked to disability, studies have suggested a correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder, although it is unclear what the relationship is between the two. Studies have also indicated increased striving for, and sometimes obtaining, goals and achievements more generally; in other words, many with bipolar disorder tend to be more driven, extremely goal oriented, and hard working.

@ Although many people with bipolar disorder who attempt suicide never actually complete it, the annual average suicide rate in males and females with diagnosed bipolar disorder (0.4%) is 10 to more than 20 times that in the general population.

@ The divorce rate for couples where at least one spouse is bipolar is 90%. For comparison purposes, the general divorce rate is commonly held to be about half as much (around 50%), implying that this illness causes substantial additional burdens on married life. (Yes, I cited this already in a previous post, it's just so astonishing that it bears repeating)

(This and more can be learned from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder)

P.S.
I also recommend going to Bipolar Connect for some incredible advice from experts living with bipolar disorder. This is an online community for anyone diagnosed with and/or affected by bipolar disorder. There are also blogs that I will be recommending as soon as I figure out how to update the damn links on the sidebar -- totally frustrating, I feel so inept, but whatever, I'm doing what I can. Anyway, there really are some wonderful and amazing blogs that I have come across about being bipolar that remind me that I am not alone in my feelings and struggles.

EVERYDAY iS LIKE SUNDAY
2.2.08


It has been raining off and on for the past three weeks now, and one by one, it seem that people one by one, are either checking into Cloud Cuckooland Resort & Spa, or checking out completely. Fortunately, I did not get too dangerously close to wanting to check out completely -- a call to my doctors about my odd behavior, compulsions, inability to focus, irratibility was all I needed to get me through this tunnel-- helped me make adjustments to my medications. It's been about a week and I am feeling better, but am drinking (water) ike a horse.

I apprehensively agreed to volunteer in my son's school auction benefit and be on the organizing committee, which of course, a lot more work that one ever knows. I am anjoying it, actually, especially ther interaction with other moms. But I find that for every idea someone has, I have 10; and if they are moving at 10 mph, I'm racing ahead at 60 mph. It's not a competitive think, honest, it's kust wanting to see all these ideas in action. So I'm trying to slow dow and scale back. We''l see. All new for me.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
4/7/07

I didn't sleep well last night, I was tossing and turning thinking about Dream Writer's comments about marriage on my post yesterday. They left me unsettled. I don't know, I'm not so sure that marriage is so black and white, and that we can so plainly distinguish what is right and wrong when illness, crime, abuse comes into the picture. Must such vows mean a life sentence, regardless of the circumstances? Bipolar turns everything upside down and inside out. Bipolar disorder can make the most devoted do and say awful things to each other, intentional or not. Is it a matter of forgive and forget? Does a man or woman who is being abused have to cling to those words: for better or worse?

Like I said, my heart really went out to the spouses who felt abused, abandoned, bankrupted, and did not know what to expect from one day to the next. I nearly did all of this to my husband, and he hung in there, but I just feel that no one should not have to endure such pain and uncertainty. It is seemed from many of the posts that I read, that many were hanging on as best they could, with hope and perhaps, even their vows in mind.

Of course, those of us who are bipolar do not want to abandon or be abandoned and lose the ones we love - we need support, we need our families, we need understanding -- but don't we also have to take responsibility for our lives and health? If we don't, then are we not upholding our part of the vows?

I am blessed to have parents, siblings, and a husband who have all been willing to understand and find ways to support me. I have been compliant with my meds, fortunate that they are working, and lucky to have a job where my management is aware and flexible. All those factors make it easier and possible to uphold our responsibilities and vows. But not everyone is so fortunate, and lucky, and that as someone who is bipolar, I would not be so judgmental about the choices people may feel they have to make.

UNDERSTAND ME, PLEASE.
4/6/07

I have been reading on BipolarConnect (www.healthcentral.com/bipolar) the distressed and anguished posts of spouses and partners trying to fnd the courage and strength to support a loved one with bipolar disorder. It is always helpful and insightful to hear the other side. I found it so hard to comment, I just didn't know what to say, there is no easy advice or way to express how hard it is to manage a relationship, for both sides. There is so much pain, blame, frustration, resent, regret, and fear.

Here is a rather sobering statistic: The divorce rate for couples where at least one spouse is bipolar is 90%. For comparison purposes, the general divorce rate is commonly held to be about half as much (around 50%), implying that this illness causes substantial additional burdens on married life. (I got this from Wikipedia, if you want more info).

I have been married for 11 years now and at times, thought that he was a terrible mistake. And at my worst times, feeling so hurt and misunderstood, I wanted to leave him forever. Now that I have been diagnosed, I know what a loss that would have been for me. It has been a tough and bumpy road for our relationship, but the counseling and the diagnosis has provided a lot of explanations and is helping us to heal, to become stronger and more aware of what is happening when it happens. We can actually joke about my mood swings. I can smile and say, "Hello darling, I'm feeling like I want to die, but I'm calling my doctor to let him know what's happening. So I need some extra attention and patience. I need you to check in."

It takes reservoirs of understanding, patience, devotion, trust, skill, strength, and communication to navigate this incredibly difficult and mercurial illness. Marriage is hard as it is, but add bipolar to the equation, and clearly, as the statistics indicate, the relationship is likely to fail.

Whenever I look at my husband sleeping, looking so peaceful, I remind myself how much he has gone through and remember all the tears that he has shed. And instead of focusing on how much he doesn't understand or what he hasn't done, I try to appreciate that he is breathing next to me and that I have someone who still loves me just the way I am.

POLARIMBI MUSIC MIX- LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER
4/21/07

Sometimes music can say what one can't. Here are some songs that capture the many emotions -- the desperation, angst, and confusion -- that I have felt about living with bipolar disorder. I have also posted this iMix on iTunes. Search the iMixes for "Polarimbi"

@ Paralyzed by Rock Kills Kid - The title and that line, "The only way to cope is to realize" says it all.

@ Leave Me Alone by New Order - For those times I've been curled up in a ball and couldn't get out bed.

@ The Drugs Don't Work by The Verve - This is a siren's call, an SOS that sends shivers down my spine.

@ Until I Fall Away by the Gin Blossoms - Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be the same. I just try and keep going.

@ Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was by Radiohead - Because life is full of tripwires and landmines. Because I wish I was immune to the triggers.

@ In the Deep by Bird York - This is the soundtrack of my life.

@ Maybe Not by Cat Power - When I learned that Cat Power is bipolar, it changed how I heard this song.

@ Lost Cause by Beck - Because I feel like a freak. Because sometimes I wonder whether anything I do or take will make a difference at all.

@ Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode - Understand me. I want to sing this song to my husband.

@ Get the Balance Right! by Depeche Mode - This is about all the pressures and opposing forces pulling on me.

@ The Trick Is to Keep Breathing by Garbage - Sometimes that's all one can do.