UNDERSTAND ME, PLEASE.
4/6/07

I have been reading on BipolarConnect (www.healthcentral.com/bipolar) the distressed and anguished posts of spouses and partners trying to fnd the courage and strength to support a loved one with bipolar disorder. It is always helpful and insightful to hear the other side. I found it so hard to comment, I just didn't know what to say, there is no easy advice or way to express how hard it is to manage a relationship, for both sides. There is so much pain, blame, frustration, resent, regret, and fear.

Here is a rather sobering statistic: The divorce rate for couples where at least one spouse is bipolar is 90%. For comparison purposes, the general divorce rate is commonly held to be about half as much (around 50%), implying that this illness causes substantial additional burdens on married life. (I got this from Wikipedia, if you want more info).

I have been married for 11 years now and at times, thought that he was a terrible mistake. And at my worst times, feeling so hurt and misunderstood, I wanted to leave him forever. Now that I have been diagnosed, I know what a loss that would have been for me. It has been a tough and bumpy road for our relationship, but the counseling and the diagnosis has provided a lot of explanations and is helping us to heal, to become stronger and more aware of what is happening when it happens. We can actually joke about my mood swings. I can smile and say, "Hello darling, I'm feeling like I want to die, but I'm calling my doctor to let him know what's happening. So I need some extra attention and patience. I need you to check in."

It takes reservoirs of understanding, patience, devotion, trust, skill, strength, and communication to navigate this incredibly difficult and mercurial illness. Marriage is hard as it is, but add bipolar to the equation, and clearly, as the statistics indicate, the relationship is likely to fail.

Whenever I look at my husband sleeping, looking so peaceful, I remind myself how much he has gone through and remember all the tears that he has shed. And instead of focusing on how much he doesn't understand or what he hasn't done, I try to appreciate that he is breathing next to me and that I have someone who still loves me just the way I am.