BLUE/MANIC MONDAY
3/19/07

I am not exactly sure what kind of day it is today, all I know is that it is Monday and that I am feeling very off, though I'm not sure how to describe my state of mind, which seems to have shifted in just one week.

When I last posted, I was feeling happy and confident with myself, but now I'm feeling all over the place -- sad one moment, scared the next, happy I''m not dead, yet grateful to have the life I have. But, most of all, I feel uncertain. It's kind of unclear when this started, and I am learning that this is what can happen when I start to enter a manic or depressive phase. A fog creeps up, descends, and before I know it, it's all around me.

What feels different from last week is that I don't feel grounded. I feel like I'm standing in a canoe about to tip over, not sure what the hell led me to stand up in the first place. Perhaps I was feeling too confident, brazen about managing my bipolar disorder. Perhaps I should have just kept myelf down, but no, I started waltzing and shopping around, which got quickly out of control. Just when I thought I had figured out how to be stable and felt excited about life, something like this changes.

It is all so terribly frustrating, but I have to keep trying and learning. Trial and error, is what I try to keep telling myself.

So I knew something wasn't right after yesterday. I flew into a rage when a saleswoman refused to refund some sandals I bought online. I had the receipt, but for some odd reason, it didn't match the stock numbers. She made some snide comments about not having the tags and looking worn (not true). I lost it -- I began yelling and threw the shoes over the counter. I know. I could have hit someone and ended up with an assault charge. It's embarassing. Naomi Campbell, Russell Crowe, both come to mind. Don't I wish it was just a case of anger management. Anyway, my young son was there, totally bewildered by my behaviour, witnessing the whole thing. Fortunately, I left the store before security came, completely shaken up. I tried to calm myself down and regain some perspective, telling my son that what I did was not right, that although she was unhelpful and I was frustrated, it is never okay to throw things or yell at someone. In all my years of purchasing and making returns, nothing like this had happened to me before.

So did I just lose it for an instance is it sign of something more menancing?

That's what makes being bipolar so complicated and hard to live with. How much is too much? It's so hard to know and tell. Right now the litmus test for me is whether I do something out of character and whether those around me are seeing anything alarming. Yes, it takes an army of loved and trusted ones to deal with this.

My own instinct is that something is off. I am wondering whether this has anything to do with having gone up on my Zoloft to help with my PMS. For months, I noticed that the week before my period, I had been getting very moddy and irritable. My psychiatrist suggested that I could try increasing my antidepressant a few days before my period to see if it helped, and then after my period, go back down to my regular dosage, which I did. So, who knows what is going on.

I am going call my psychiatrist today and will keep you posted. Heavy sigh.