Thursday, March 05, 2009


FLOWING

"Just go with the flow," he said, "Stop trippin' on what everyone thinks."

But sometimes we do trip on the tripwires, and the flow of life gets jammed up, nothing flows in the brain,
and I am paralyzed by the uncertainty of what comes next and the fear of
what everyone thinks and wonders about me.

And then what happens when the financial flow is cut off? The feeling of being drained while being in a holding pattern of not receiving support because the soon-to-be-ex-husband is paying the full mortgage while praying (to a God he doesn't believe in) that someone will buy the house, and then not being able to pay rent because of not receiving support and having the parents pray (to a God they fervently believe in) that their daughter's house will sell so that I will have a place to live.

And then, a miracle. A breakthrough to get things flowing again -- an offer from a family of four willing to move into a 2bedroom 1 bath house, a disclosure of humiliating debt, a negotiation to stay afloat, an agreement to preserve stability.

Keeping things flowing while trying to achieve, staying afloat, and finding stability is the goal. Mental, economic, physical.

Next up... flexibility and force.

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Monday, March 02, 2009


UNIVERSAL TRAVELLER*

So what do you do when you are traveling with no brakes, surrounded by clouds with blurry vision, and are headed through a dark tunnel with a cliff at the end and the ocean on one side? Well, stopping is no option. Do you attempt to turn around or do you make a sharp turn to the left or right?

I tried to turnaround, but I was told that going back to the past was not an option. So I turned left and guess what, I didn't go over the edge and suddenly, the skies cleared and I could see the light, to the right, on the other side.

Sometimes the only way forward is to follow your instincts and trust that the people who love you will guide you through, whatever path you choose.

You will not believe the unbelievable stuff that I have been trying to navigate through - an unsettled divorce, crippling debt from my manic episode, my young son battling depression, and trying to sell a home in what is perhaps the worst economy our country has ever faced.

Then, there is my mind. Going from one extreme to the next, and trying to make sense of the poles of my life.

By the way, I thought I lost my glasses the other day, for real, and my son found them on the floor of the car. For real.

(*I've got many friends who can care for me...so far...so far..." Air, Talkie Walkie)

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