FACE MASKS

So I joined Facebook.  Uh huh.  With very mixed emotions about the implications of consequences yet to be experienced.

I wonder if it is possible for a stranger reading through this blog to find me through Facebook, and ask to be my friend.  I wonder what I would say.

For me, strangers are not frightening. I am not afraid to reveal myself, my secrets, my dreams to a total stranger.  I do not have to wear a mask.  I do not fear their judgment.

But family?  Friends?  Colleagues?  The thought of them reading this blog is frankly, terrifying.  The stuff of nightmares.  I might as well waltz naked into the office.

It is a complete paradox to me, that a journal that might help my loved ones to understand me better, is something that I would rather share with strangers.  It is a paradox, that wearing a mask is what I must do with those who are closest to me, to manage, at certain times, the turmoil that lies beneath.

____________________

SOLDIER ON!

I had a great first half of this year, but a rough and tumble summer followed. I suffered a few fractures from an episode and a nasty, unnecessary, costly custody battle; but I am far from broken. On the contrary, I have come out of this stronger and wiser.  My son, a real trooper, and I, closer than ever. I found this journal entry below, buried in my draft posts from last year, much resonates for me still:


Stress Fractures (written in 2009)

Stress can do all kinds of things. It can warp perspective. It can create cracks in a friendship. It can distract and disrupt. A stress fracture can be so crippling to the point that you ask: Do I give up or give in?

Everyone is saying to me: Polarimibi, don't give up. Hang in there, you
will get through all this. You will come up on dry land.

I don't think I will give up, giving up is not a choice. Yet the reality is that I am in a whirlpool of enormous stress, and stress triggers all kinds of changes in the chemistry of my brain.  Stress, however, can also motivate, and create a laser like focus that carries a person over the finish line.

I see what is happening in my brain as a blessing and a curse. Some parts of my brain are working very well -- on the left, I am finding words to connect and describe the complex happenings in my life. On the right, other parts of my brain are paralyzed, uncertain, and murky.

My sister-in-law told me that in Кыргызстан, in her culture, it is well known and accepted that in times of great stress, one side of the body shuts down, and the other takes over, and carries the full weight.
________________________________