The Land of Upside Down

There are a thousand and one different ways to describe what it's like to be bipolar.

And all of them are true at some point or another.

With blog posts, it's only when I finish writing, when I have a sense of what this post was about, do I create a title. I titled this "The Land of Upside Down" and found this mustard yellow book cover.. Apparently it is a book that is out of print and I have yet to look about the author, but in case I don't get around to that:  Thank you, Ludwig Tieck.

Being bipolar is much like having a computer with an unpredictable processing problem. Sometimes it can go on and on and on, problem free. Other times, it just crashes and you need to restart. Sometimes the restart might require closing down a few applications. Other times, the entire cursor is stuck. Won't do a damn thing. Restarting involves shutting the whole machine off.

Being bipolar means that not only do the usual strategies fail, the process itself can be excruciating emotionally. It takes an incredible amount of self-talk, awareness, support, and confidence to even be in a place to cope.

There are periods in everyone's life when operations, when your central processing unit, stops work and needs repair.  Financially times are hard. Work is stressful and demanding. A child is ill or a partner has a relative who is battling cancer. Sometimes all these things are happening at once and life just sucks.

Being bipolar means all the above is happening, you need your laptop to have full functionality, and but the goddamn machine, like yourself, decides it doesn't want to cooperate.

You cannot run away.  The more frustrated you get, the worse you feel.

You cannot sleep.  You are dead set on finding a solution. You are obsessed.  You're not sleeping until you figure this out.

You look for comfort. You want a drink, you drink that. You need a smoke, you smoke that. You want to buy something, you buy ten of that.

As a result, you're exhausted but cannot rest.  This is called being overtired. You are so beyond tired but it is impossible to put your mind at ease.

Nothing makes you feel better. The words people are saying around you -- it will get better, what's wrong -- they all sound like Snoopy characters.

You take a deep breath and you look in the mirror.  Shit.  You can't remember if you took your meds. Fuck. You meant to refill your meds and you forgot because there's way too much going on.

Done.

You declare defeat.  You do one of two things: You crawl into bed or you become convinced that the only explanation for your laptop is that it contains secret files and classified information. Or does it?

You have crossed over the edge. Welcome to the Land of the Inside Out, Upside Down:  Bipolar episode #4,321?  On The Scale: Yucky but not ugly.  Not yet. But who's counting?