LIFE IS A CAROUSEL
4/12/07

I read a SharePost on Bipolar Connect, “Uncovering My Frame of Mind” posted by GJ Gregory. It was very helpful, and I highly recommend any of his other posts.

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/8377/current-frame-mind/

GJ Gregory, whose name is Jon, is one of the resident experts on Bipolar Connect, an online support community and REAL LIFE person who is Living With Bipolar Disorder and the first to post a comment on this blog. For months, I had been blogging away and felt like I had been yelling into outerspace, “Hello! Hello! Anyone out there? Am I alone?” (Well, no surprise there, no one knew about the blog) And then I came across Bipolar Connect, found the courage to post a comment to the community, and then from out of nowhere, an email from Jon. What a comforting feeling to realize that I was not alone.

I admire Jon's wisdom, courage and insight. I can relate to the experiences he has shared, and right now, his struggle to define and gain some control of what is happening with his moods. Jon is going through a tough time with a mixed episode (though he's not sure what it is, some kind of downturn, again something I can relate to). I have not lived with this as long as Jon, but I am learning that when I don't know what the f is going is, sometimes wracking my brain to try figure it out turns into a vicious cycle, leaving me even more helpless and confused. How do you make sense of a senseless disease? I can read all the research to understand, but emotionally, it is another thing. I can make sense of the disease to some degree, but there is just so much that cannot be explained.

My written journals before my diagnosis are filled with entries about the confusion I felt over my surges of energy and creativity, followed by periods of defeatism and depression. I was up, I was down. I felt like I was going around and around chasing my tail. Now I am learning to just say, okay, here we go again, my chemicals are out of whack and I'm bloody all over the place. If I can't label, I call my doctor and say exactly that, I don't know what I'm feeling. I just feel a bit off, not myself. Then I lay low, avoid places that make me manic, be gentle with myself, and let my loved ones know.

For me, acceptance is helping to cushion the blow of being bipolar. Acceptance of the known as well as the unknown. It's sort of like fighting - just try to relax and perhaps the blows won't hurt so much. Not that it sucks and you feel like imploding and exploding at the same time, but instead of screaming and throwing things, now I just try to breathe and cut back. I say no. I get take out. I call in sick. It’s okay if I go a bit dumb and numb for awhile, it will pass.

But I think that for those of us who treasure our creativity and rely on our minds to navigate our work and lives, when the compass goes a bit berserk and we can't figure out what end is up, what direction to go, we are really lost. We struggle frantically to regain perspective. But sometimes, we just have to wait until the sun comes again.

Something my therapist does that helps me keep perspective is reminding me that much of what I feel about life is NORMAL. The most chemically balanced people experience avoidance, a block in creativity, job uncertainty/stress and insomnia, my therapist tells me. Everything you experience in life is not always about being bipolar, it’s about living life.