There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
September 11th, 2007

I feel like I am coming back to a place that I ran away from, believing that I had finally conquered my demons, only to trip and fall down again. Once again I am searching for a long lost friend, clutching to an old address, driving back onto a familiar street, and looking for the house with a light on.

I am sorry that I have been away for a while, no communication, no word. I have no explanation. But I'm here now, asking for your patience, your understanding. I am in pain, teetering on the edge, treading water, grasping for anyone's willing hand.

I am told that this is the month when all the psych wards are filled. I am reminded that this is the time of year when we are vulnerable -- the changes in season, routines, tides, the tilting of the earth, the shifting of expectations. Two years ago this month, my madness manifested. Six years ago, the terror exploded. Worlds changed.

Fortunately, I am aware of what is happening and I am neither denying nor fighting it. I am living with it. I am rolling with it. I am even laughing at it. I am surrounding myself with people who love me and understand it.

I am the light that never goes out.